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Flowers on the Wall

There are a number of songs that help me stay in touch with the world. I like knowing there are others who suffer the same problems I do (Elton John’s Sad Songs sums this up). Many times I’ll listen to a song that hits home… Yet it turns around and stabs me with guilt for not obtaining my dreams. The singers have accomplished their goals, despite their uphill battles. Examples would be fun., Marina and the Diamonds, or any song from The Wiz soundtrack. They may be depressed or socially anxious, but at least they’re working hard.

So I’m depressed and anxious and worried about my dreams. Can I hear a song for those who have stopped fighting or like to hide away? The answer is yes. One of my favorite songs is “Flowers on the Wall” by the Statler Brothers. I was first introduced to it through the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. (I don’t really like Tarantino movies, but he always picks great music.)

Here are the lyrics:

I keep hearin’ you’re concerned about my happiness
But all that thought you’re givin’ me is conscience I guess
If I was walkin’ in your shoes, I wouldn’t worry none
While you ‘n’ your friends are worried about me I’m havin’ lots of fun

Countin’ flowers on the wall
That don’t bother me at all
Playin’ solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin’ cigarettes and watchin’ Captain Kangaroo
Now don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

Last night I dressed in tails, pretended I was on the town
As long as I can dream it’s hard to slow this swinger down
So please don’t give a thought to me, I’m really doin’ fine
You can always find me here, I’m havin’ quite a time

Countin’ flowers on the wall
That don’t bother me at all
Playin’ solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin’ cigarettes and watchin’ Captain Kangaroo
Now don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

It’s good to see you, I must go, I know I look a fright
Anyway my eyes are not accustomed to this light
And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete
So I must go back to my room and make my day complete

Countin’ flowers on the wall
That don’t bother me at all
Playin’ solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin’ cigarettes and watchin’ Captain Kangaroo
Now don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

Don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

Rocks Friends

I’m in the process of a life “adjustment”. I’m still anxious, I’m still unemployed, I’m still stuck at home with parents. BUT, I am getting out to the city. I am battling my anxiety so I can spend a few days with my sister (who is currently a ball of angst). Through a dab of nepotism I have procured an Internship at the museum. She’s leaving the department and they needed someone to help with revamping coursework. Revamping what? The Geology Masters programs*. I am so close that I can smell the textbooks. Literally, I had to help mail a bunch out and some of them are still on my desk. Sniiiffff Yeah.

Before the nepotism is decried, this is an unpaid Internship. I kept getting asked “what I was expecting to get out of this” and there are a dozen answers, which are hard to put into words. I need experience. I mean I need REAL experience. I spent 4&1/2 years sitting at a desk working with one program on out-dated computers. Not to mention the focus was to hear complaints and work with people like this:

My current office has snazzy new Macs (I’m a quick-learner and want them to see I can learn the bizarre ins-and-outs of software I’m unfamiliar with). I’m working with HTML updates, Word & Excel, as well as getting to help map the Hall of Planet Earth so the Geo-Science majors know where they are going.

I was extremely exhausted the last two days which is why my “Disney Challenge” has been a little spastic. I want to finish it, but flooding my FB and G+ accounts with only those updates seems a little ass-a-holic. I’m taking today off because I’m posting a life-update. I feel things are going better. Part of it is the new anxiety meds (I changed from Prozac 3 months ago). My counselling sessions have never been better. My counselor wants me to focus on silence and meditation since most of my anxiety comes from quick freak outs like I’m going to get lost or say the wrong thing that I’ll regret for several weeks. With my therapy I am improving.

Now if only I could get my brain problems in order. My sister has been watching me closely out of fear of my seizing on the subway. That would be interesting. I’ve had seizures on public transportation before, but nothing like the NYC systems.

I guess the next thing is to connect with people who are not my sister’s friends. I am a minimalist fangirl and like the same things they do, but not love with all my loins the same things they do. I just saw The Avengers with my sister and realized how deep the obsessiveness goes. I liked the movie, but I have to say, as per usual, the villain stood out. I don’t want to join “Loki’s Army” (as I mentioned in the last post), but I can appreciate a hot Brit with a beautiful smile.

*For those who don’t know, I had plans on getting a Masters in science, but it has been hard going since I don’t have a sufficient background in science. Being involved in the education program gives me an opportunity to join a class or two for future applications.

Big Red Suit

What makes me so approachable? I had an experience at CVS today that is making me reconsider putting pants on before I leave the house.

I needed to drop off and then pick up a few prescriptions. I did not want to leave and then come back so I waited the hour they told me it would be. I did a little shopping and looked at cards. When I finished I still had half an hour so I sat in their waiting area.

There was an old woman who had her stuff on the last remaining chair so I requested she move them. She must have been delighted that another human being spoke to her. As soon as I sat down she began talking and despite a handful of awkward silences, about 20 minutes passed in conversation with her. Here is the general gist of the talk (mostly done by her):

  • Her red coat bought at Burlington Coat Factory.
  • Her head cold that she was getting meds for.
  • Her four cats: names & types.
  • The fact that one of her old cats had been maliciously & repeatedly run over by an “El Salvador” person.
  • Her neighborhood doesn’t speak much English: they all speak Spanish or are black. She’s the only one of the “others” that stayed.
  • Her family in Houston.
  • The fact that she doesn’t fly. Why? The terrorists.
  • Fear of people with turbans on their heads.
  • Fear of leaving the house because her husband was killed by getting hit by a car.
  • Me having a child. When I told her I didn’t want one she continued to let me know I would be so happy with one. I could sing to it or read Bible verses to it daily.
  • Merry Christmas. Don’t fly on Jewish Holidays.

It serves me right for going outside. I was wearing striped capri pants; brown argyle socks; large, rubber boots with fur lining; my black pea coat; and a hat that looks like an owl face (thanks to my sister). I thought my insane look would drive people from talking to me, but I was wrong. Well, I hope I made the crazy, lonely, cat lady happy in some way. I also hope someone tells her that when she wears an outfit that is bright red and sparkly she looks like a giant Christmas ornament.


I am not okay. I enrolled in a website called in order to make new friends. I have been enrolled since… April? Not once have I volunteered to go out to a game session or get coffee or tag along to a museum. I am full of some shattering social phobias. Happy pills are not working.

Today I will finally meet people from one of the groups. It’s just go out for a few beers and food. It isn’t near home so I am relying on my parents to drive me and then wait for me. My main fear, though, is meeting strangers. It isn’t going to be a big group. It is all females. We’re all around the same age and looking for new friends. There is no reason for me to be anxious.

Instead of being excited I am filled with the dread of not knowing what to do. How do “normal” people behave in society? Will we share anything in common or will I have to drink the night away while ignoring the conversation? These are reasons I am seeing a therapist. She was very encouraging and told me to do that thing where you pump yourself up in a mirror.


Off I go to delve into the real world of female bonding and social faux pas. I’ll report on my findings.

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