I couldn’t figure out if I was going to say “Half in the Punch” or “Sucker Bag”. Both are god-awful titles and I apologize (not really). Red Letter Media, the gods who delivered us Mr. Plinkett and his reviews of the Star Wars prequels, have a new project called “Half in the Bag”. Continuing with my sexism week theme, I figured I’d add this review of Sucker Punch by “Half in the Bag”. Mind you I have not seen the movie, but checking out the trailer and watching this review, I am positive I know enough that a) my vagina would be sad and b) it would cause me to have one or more seizures. I loved Watchmen, so I am sorry Zack Snyder did this, but looking back on all his movies it really is a culmination of his love for tits & explosions:
Vodpod videos no longer available.
I was trying way too hard to write another funny/intellectual post. I had all of this information to lay on ya to impress the wandering masses. I know you crave wantonly to fill those empty spaces with all of this useless knowledge, but I realized everything I was collecting was going to end up a 10-page research report.
Essentially I wanted to examine the associations you could make between Friedrich Nietzsche, Rasputin, and Caligula. Yeah. That pretentious. I am far too tired to concentrate on making any sense of that anymore so I’m going to give you the interesting bits.
Everyone knows Rasputin was essential in bringing down the Romanov family by basically giving them a bad rap. Having this sex-craven “holy” man who went against the Orthodox church and whispered dark nothings into the tsarina’s ear didn’t sit well with an already restless people. That’s right, he was not a member of the Orthodox church. He was a member of the Khlisti sect, which encouraged him to quench his manly thirst. Being popular with some ladies (even though looking at him you’d ask… “why?”, but that happens with celebrity), he didn’t even have to try. He was also rumored to engage in other sexual “deviations” such as homosexuality and orgies.^1 The points here are *different religious ideas from a nation; *different sexual proclivities; *supposedly mad, yet in a position of power.
The Home of Rasputin
Alexander Palace – Grigori Efimovich Rasputin
Friedrich Nietzsche is best known for The Madman, pronouncing that God is Dead. Some may conclude he is an atheist from this, but it is most likely a statement against the secularism of Western culture^2. He explored the increasing perspectivism/nihilism of society. Unfortunately, his writings were embraced by an even crazier group of people, the Nazis. Being that he was not anti-Semitic and kind of anti-authoritarian, I do believe he would have been furious about this association. His ending decade was a spiral into madness. Interestingly enough, that’s when he became most prolific. So we see *controversial religious ideas; *madness that came from any number of medical issues (most popular idea is syphilis, but not proven – some people say he was always “unbalanced”); *no mention of sexual preferences, but he had revolutionary ideas of sexual freedom for his time and there are rumors (again, unproven) of homosexuality.
Stanford Encyclopedia: Friedrich Nietzsche
Poor Caligula. He’s most remembered for the craziest moments of his life.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
He was a soldier, a generous emperor, and a man of the people. He allowed for democratic elections again. This ahem leads to one of my favorite quotes on his Wikipedia page by Cassius Dio: “though delighting the rabble, grieved the sensible, who stopped to reflect, that if the offices should fall once more into the hands of the many … many disasters would result.” – I might agree with that. (Not an elitist at all.) Wanting a horse for his consul was rumored to be more as an F.U. to the senate.
But then the madness set in. He declared himself God and would go out in public dressed as one of the deities, as well as have statues erected to him. He was rumored to have sexual relations with, er, family? (Unproven as most of his histories are written by people who didn’t like him.) And then there was that time he had soldiers collect sea shells instead of finish invading Britain. Whatever that was about. Eventually the senate decided it was time to put him down. These epileptics, you never know what they’re going to do next. I mean… wait, what? Connecting to our first two contestants: *mad as a hatter; *rumors of sexual scandals, but then he was Roman so I’m inclined to believe anything; *and unfettered disdain for common religious and political views.
Caligula: 37CE Onward (last years)
That was it. Something for you to chew on. Take from it what you will. What I take from it is – as the title indicates – despite how the current society felt about them, they made their mark. Like it or not. And after all these years, we still emphasize the bad, the weird, what our culture still considers the wrong. (In Nietzsche’s case, it depends on who you ask. It also depends on if you think he would be pro- or anti-Nazi.) Yet, today we obsess over similar types of celebrity. The reality shows express a similar desire to feed on deviance and madness. In centuries to come, what will humanity be studying from this era? What will they take from it? And who will be our major historical figures if human nature is to remain so obsessed with the Id than the Super-Ego?
If anyone wants to argue this: remember, people disagree over whether we should like Churchill because he was a drunk.
^1. Rasputin’s reported sex affair with Prince Felix Yusupov led to his infamous death. Just a quick round-up: he was poisoned, shot, shot again, beaten, thrown into the icy depths of the river, and this caused him to drown (the bastard was still alive).
Check it out here.
^2. I know I’m blatantly stealing from Wikipedia here. I’m so tired. Here. I’m referencing it. Find it yourself.
The human body can go through a lot of physical distress. I speak not merely of external torture, but of the curious, and often extremely confusing, amounts of internal trauma. These instances can be self-inflicted or products of sexual play or abuse. Today’s post is not for the faint of heart (or the faint of butt as Strong Bad says). And probably not for my Mom.
I saw the news report as soon as it came out about the quite unfortunate Chinese man who had a knife blade lodged in his brain for several years. This is an extreme case of what medical science calls a “foreign body”, which is (loosely) described as “any object originating outside the body.” This story brought to mind the recent stories I’ve been hearing of foreign objects discovered – either to their great amusement or their utter chagrin – by surgeons and doctors. There was an anesthesiologist who attempted to share several stories on a medical blog (most including items swallowed & found in the stomach, but there is one story of, you know, a gerbil), only to be bombarded by hundreds of responses to the post by peers. The moderator locked and hid the comments, allowing them only by request. When I saw the post I tried to retrieve the information by posing as a curious journalist, but to no luck, so unfortunately I had to go about my own research.
Definitely not for the squeamish: “Rectal Foreign Bodies” is your #1 resource for the exciting world of documented objects reportedly found in anal cavities. Originally listed in “Surgery Magazine” (1986), I have noticed many of these are the exact same ones listed in Mary Roach’s “Bonk”, so I am to conclude this was the same reference she used (this is why she’s one of my favorite authors). A dead giveaway is the “collections” section which notes cases such as 402 stones; a toolbox hoarded by a prisoner; and spectacles, suitcase key, tobacco pouch, and magazine. There’s also a link to a story about an “artillery shell”. Yeah. If you don’t want to read about it, don’t worry, he did not died. Unlike (spoiler!) Bruce Willis’ father in “Pulp Fiction”. (Tried to embed, but none of the videos would let me. Sorry.)
Now, less common, but more uncomfortable for me to think about, is Vaginal Foreign Bodies. Unlike the rectum, there aren’t a lot of places for objects to go. A lot of times we see bits & pieces of things that have been removed, but the subject couldn’t get the rest out. A lot of what happens with the nether orifices is a prideful inability to retrieve objects. Or if they try and fail… forget going to the doctor. This is especially true for women who have been told you
can’t shouldn’t put things in there or if they were victims of sexual abuse, that can be a touchy subject. And I can’t find the story, but Sarah showed me a veeeery embarrassing story about a young girl who had a Barbie head stuck after her first (and probably only for a long while) attempt to masturbate and neither parent could get it out. Yes, neither parent. Then they went to the hospital. Not sure if the story is true, but she won some sort of contest and got a gift certificate for sex toys.
For the sake of everybody’s sanity, I will not talk about the urethra. Heh. Urethra’s a funny word.
If you want some Rated PG stories, I have the Gale Encyclopedia of Children’s Health through Answers.com. Mostly it talks about pediatric and adolescent cases for nose, eye, ear, and mouth/stomach issues. If you have children, you already know you have to be careful about little toys they can swallow: like plastic toy soldiers or McDonald’s… anything. Apparently buckshot and jewelry are also dangerous. This site does list rectal warnings, but since it relates to child healthcare, it says those incidents may come from ingestion or if inserted you may want your child psychiatrically evaluated for autism or personality disorders. Catch those fetishes early!
I hope I’ve thoroughly ruined your day. Or days to come. I probably need to have psychiatric evaluation myself. I finally have insurance, so maybe that will happen next month! I’ll keep you posted. (And for the record, I keep my orifices generally clear.)
Further resources for fun & leisure: Up Yours – X-Rays of the Weirdest Items Found in Butts
101 Things Removed From the Human Body (T.V. Show)
Swallowed Foreign Bodies
I will spare you images of X-Rays & instead here’s a picture to confuse your brain:
Via Picture Is Unrelated
This is from my weird catalog of engagement rings:
The website, ilikejewellery.com is obviously a creepy faux Tiffany co. knock-off store. So while Tiffany’s sells that ring for $150, they’ll sell it for $24. What a deal! Careful of the rust stains.
Anyway, the reason this particular ring stood out was because it immediately reminded me of this:
Made by Leah Piepgras, this seemingly innocuous piece of jewelry is actually a physical representation of the “pearl necklace” (nsfw link for language). And it goes for $420. Art confuses me.
Sorry to those of you now scarred for having this knowledge (or bored because they already knew about it). Hope next week is less creepy.
I had heard about this craze. I did not realize it had blown up so big or why. I’m also not entirely positive it is still huge, though I’m sure someone out there still does it and it will make a comeback next summer. I am talking about, of course, Vajazzling.
I know I’m a little late on the boat for this one. It originally came out way back in late 2009 and Jennifer Love-Hewitt made it popular by talking about it on T.V. for about 2 seconds (which then extended for about 2 hours as she traveled from show to show) in Jan of 2010. I won’t go too much into my personal opinions on this as that could stretch into a severely long rant about the disgusting waste of money just to glue some shit to your body that gives you a reason to flash your beshaven lady pocket.
My main interest is in figuring out why, other than the star power of JLH advertising it, it became so popular with the ladies of this time. A fad like this means blowing large amounts of money – average about $50 for something that last 2-3 days or you could get a kit that lasted only 1-2 days and was only a little cheaper or you could get a 5 or more day super one for over $100 – on something that you *can* put on a visible place, but is advertised as an item for your more intimate areas. Fox investigates for us:
|“So, after preparing my, ahem, canvas, I asked my significant other to give me a hand. Peel, position, press, and release. Viola, I was all jazzled! I have to admit, the whole idea seemed kind of kooky. But, you know what? It looks really great. Rather sexy, if I do say so myself. It certainly wasn’t how I expected to spend my Monday afternoon. But, hey, I’m all for an adventure. And my lover dug it too. The whole experiment led to a little fooling around, in fact, during which no crystals were harmed.[…]
“Most of the day, I completely forget I’m vajazzled. But when I do remember, it makes me smile. Having those clandestine crystals makes me kind of feel like a rock star. Only I get to decide who can see it, and I feel – don’t laugh – a little bit like my naughty bits have super powers.”
(via Fox on Sex)
So it’s a confidence… down there issue? You get a glittery cooch and suddenly you feel secretly sexy? Do not get me wrong: I understand body art. Tattoos, piercings, etc. I’ve thought about doing something myself, but haven’t gone through because I need the money. If I were to do so, I’d *save* the money. These women could easily save what they are spending on Vajazzling to buy one tattoo if this is about getting sexy body art and “feeling like a rock star”. But maybe that’s too much. That’s too naughty. If this is about being naughty for a day, then why seem to advertise for skanky women?
I don’t feel like embedding this advertisement for “Tajazzled” which is a bizarre spin-off.
But Christwire.org certainly picked up on how damaging this trend is to our societies young men. (You don’t have to watch the vid, but read the ChristWire bit. I’m trying to figure out if that’s a parody. Please… someone tell me that’s a parody.)
Okay. I think this is all I can say: I don’t understand this culture of women because I know this is some bizarre attempt at creating an atmosphere of false self-esteem. It’s not what gets guys off. Fox Lady: Your lover didn’t “dig” it. He liked the fact that you were taking off your pants to show him your baby mound. I think of this video when I think of Vajazzled (which is awesome because this came out 2 years before that fad came out):