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Cakes of Myth and Legend

My mom is planning my wedding. There are still some important elements missing in this equation. Namely, I don’t have a current boyfriend, there is no money that would go into any wedding planning even if I were to start a whirlwind romance with some strange upstart, and her wedding ideas are, well, unconventional. She’s in a steampunk phase.

I decided to do some research to see what may be in store for me. She probably already has some ideas for the dress code. I hope I have some say in the wedding dress itself. Formal steampunk dresses tend to be mostly corset and petticoat. I’ll expect that, but the bottom half I get to design as I’m not terribly fond of bulk. Or skirts. (Why do I even need to wear a skirt? Can I wear pants?) Anyway, here were some designs I liked: Here’s a lovely photolog of someone’s wedding, including a dress that would probably fit and look good on me. A deviant artist drew a couple of ideas and this was my favorite. And a woman put her whole gallery of professional pics on site so you can get an idea of the dress.

What I found, though, while doing a Google search under the terms for “steampunk wedding” was that it didn’t seem to be about the outfits or the rings, but it was about the cakes. As someone who has stumbled upon several different cake shows, I know that people like to shock and awe their guests with the centerpiece of the reception. I’ve even been to a wedding where the cake was a beautiful thing (from the Black Fox’s wedding). However, the insanity and extravagance of steampunk cakes blows my mind. It’s as though the entire time spent planning the wedding and put into budget was for the cake alone. “We can’t get a real dirigible, so let’s mold some bread and icing into one.” If I were a guest at one of those weddings, I would feel baaad for sinking my teeth into just one bite. If you can’t imagine what I am talking about, here is what this post is referring to:


And so on. There are more. Many more. They are too intimidating and wondrous to eat. To Mom: if you really are planning, this is what you have to start working on first, apparently. I have a nasty feeling, though, that you are suddenly going to say, “you’re the creative one! You start designing.” If it were up to me, I’d go with this:

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Not jewelry to buy for grandma

This is from my weird catalog of engagement rings:

The website, ilikejewellery.com is obviously a creepy faux Tiffany co. knock-off store. So while Tiffany’s sells that ring for $150, they’ll sell it for $24. What a deal! Careful of the rust stains.

Anyway, the reason this particular ring stood out was because it immediately reminded me of this:

Made by Leah Piepgras, this seemingly innocuous piece of jewelry is actually a physical representation of the “pearl necklace” (nsfw link for language). And it goes for $420. Art confuses me.

Sorry to those of you now scarred for having this knowledge (or bored because they already knew about it). Hope next week is less creepy.

Wednesday’s Cringer: Gold diggers have bad grammar

In my research into rings yesterday… okay, specifically “bizarre or unique engagement rings” on Google images, I found an interesting article through The Frisky about a reaction to a “Dear Prudence” (via Slate) letter. The author quotes the response, but her own reaction is minimal and doesn’t go into analysis. Here’s the culprit:

“The real reason, and I mean the REAL reason why we all want largest available ROCK is to because we want it as a weapon. A social weapon. We want to able to scratch with ethernal jelousy [sic throughout] and envy the heart of our current future female friends and enemies, so, even when we will turn into a fat, ordinary, ugly and old woman in the next 60 years, we could always, always make an subtle movement with the hand, reach something, wave good bye, just anything, so the light catches an edge, deflects on one or two faces of the stone, just make a sparkle or bling, just for a instant. But that instant, brief as a blink, is enough for us to remember our capacity to be at the same level of most females of our class. May be even dismiss all smaller stone ringers. That subtle moment will last a tenth of a second. But in our hearts the power will remain constant as well as our sweet thoughts of you giving, for giving us that power or illusion of power.”

This brings to mind an image I saw months ago that seems to be from some sort of school newspaper. Part of me hopes it’s fake, part of me doesn’t.

So what have we learned? I am not clear on the age of the first person, but from the context we can assume she views herself as young and could grow fat and unattractive. Best to have something she can cling onto that makes her better than others. By that age, though, I doubt the “others” of her social “class” will have that respect if she doesn’t learn how to write proper grammar or complete a cohesive thought. Deflects? Deflector shields up! I can only assume “ethernal jelousy” is eternal jealousy, but if other girls of her “class” have rocks just as big or bigger since this is apparently a competition… or it’s a reminder that you are equal… or you like having an “illusion of power”, but you know it’s an illusion… I just… what?

The second girl obviously wants to obtain a life of leisure. She may already be from a rich family that indoctrinated her to believe she doesn’t need to work. Or they told her she’s too stupid and should just hope to marry rich since she can’t do any better in life. I’m gathering both from this article. This “little princess” has no hope to do anything besides her nails unless the people who published this in her school newspaper were doing so to finally notify the school officials that she needs to be held back a few years.

Oh, for those future gold diggers out there, the Internet does supply you with instructions on how to obtain your goal of getting that rich sugar daddy of your dreams! You can just check out the acclaimed wikiHow or eHow for further information. You are welcome!!!

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