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Heathen Sundays

Sunday afternoons have always been awkward. Dad preaches in the morning to the churches I don’t attend. Then he comes home tired and irritated (his current congregations could use attitude adjustments). I stay out of sight. My mornings have meanwhile been filled with tumblr and YouTube and… sleeping. These last few weeks and hopefully in weeks to come have offered an opportunity to reduce my presence on Sunday afternoons.

I connect through Google Hangout (I still have faith in G+!), get propped up on an iPad, and play the captain in a Firefly adventure. Albeit the original idea of me being “captain” was so I could be the Charlie in Charlie’s Angels, but my purpose has evolved so now I really should be there every week.

I know I’m not supposed to be a pirate. I based the character on a sort of cross between Han Solo and Mal, but I’ve turned slowly into a paranoid lunatic who wants super control. I accidentally made a death threat. That’s a bit pirate-ish. I’m paranoid because I have one leg and an eyepatch. Yeah. I couldn’t figure out a good role model for a female space captain (Janeway’s a little strict), so I ended up browsing pirates.

As a fan of Captain Calico Jack, I decided I could be one of his girls: Anne Bonny and Mary Reid were some of the baddest female pirates. Unfortunately, most images of them are kind of shirtless or comfy with each other. It’s been apparently a common theme since… forever for a strong, empowered female (comics, movies, historical figures) to be sexualized in imagery. Is it a way to downgrade their fearsome factor?

I can say a ton of shit on this topic and will probably get back to later. Right now, I’m late.

In the meantime I found an image that sort of goes with my picture of Captain Anne (yeah, I named her after Anne Bonny). Once again we have a sexy lady, but it’s Geena Davis and that makes it better. From one of the worst pirate movies ever made (Cutthroat Island):

30 Day Disney Challenge: Day Twelve

Day Twelve: Your favorite villain song

“Poor Unfortunate Souls” as sung by the talented Pat Carroll. She has a rich voice and the character was convincingly evil. Years later I also see it as a statement on body issues. You have this large woman, who seems to prefer being large, urging impressionable youth that image was all that mattered in relationships. The message was beauty before personality (not like Ariel had much of one to begin with).

(This was embeddable, but the better version was not.)

In true villain fashion she wasn’t looking to keep a fair trade or make someone happy: she knew it was a path to ultimate power. She used appearance to be the deceiver and dropped the attractive countenance once she got what she wanted. It’s on the inside that counts:

There’s also a bit of a gender fight going on:

And in keeping with the female/evil depictions, I feel I need to add this:

(“Evil Flush” by Ponsho)

This question was tough since are some great songs to choose from. Several years ago I made a CD called “Evil in the Ear of the Beholder” and distributed it amongst my friends. (This may or may not have been illegal.) It included many Disney songs, but a handful of songs from so-called kids’ movies (like Anastasia and Fern Gully). If anyone is interested in the playlist let me know.

30 Day Disney Challenge: Day Ten

Day Ten: Your favorite song

I have several favorites, but many of them are villain songs. That’s a separate question, though, so I had to ponder my other options. Most of the 90’s movies had fantastic songs (Aladdin, Pocahontas, Beauty and the Beast, and The Lion King). It was difficult to choose from the selection. I feel most of The Lion King songs were great, but I don’t really feel like picking one of those today. It feels like a cop-out.

Ergo, I limited my choices down and ended up with a tie. Most of Disney’s “princess” movies tend to have at least one song about the woman wanting to explore and be free (despite the fact that they end up in their correct gender roles due to some handsome man interfering).

Since Belle is my favorite I’ll let her go first:

(Is it just me or does the end remind you of The Sound of Music.) Here’s a Harry Potter/B&B tumblr spin-off.

Next is Avatar Pocahontas. She was also the “free spirited” main character who doesn’t dream of meeting a handsome prince, but wants adventure. I loved “Just Around the River Bend”, but YouTube will not allow me to embed that one. So instead you get “Colors of the Wind” which is just as good (dirty Native American propaganda that it is /sarcasm):

(Does that rock outcrop remind you of anything… circle of life-ish?)

BTW, when researching Disney songs I was reminded of “Best of Friends” which I listened to. goddamnit.

EDIT: Question for the audience. Which did you like better: Colors of the Wind or Circle of Life?

A Question Left Unanswered: Why Was This a Craze?

I had heard about this craze. I did not realize it had blown up so big or why. I’m also not entirely positive it is still huge, though I’m sure someone out there still does it and it will make a comeback next summer. I am talking about, of course, Vajazzling.

I know I’m a little late on the boat for this one. It originally came out way back in late 2009 and Jennifer Love-Hewitt made it popular by talking about it on T.V. for about 2 seconds (which then extended for about 2 hours as she traveled from show to show) in Jan of 2010. I won’t go too much into my personal opinions on this as that could stretch into a severely long rant about the disgusting waste of money just to glue some shit to your body that gives you a reason to flash your beshaven lady pocket.

My main interest is in figuring out why, other than the star power of JLH advertising it, it became so popular with the ladies of this time. A fad like this means blowing large amounts of money – average about $50 for something that last 2-3 days or you could get a kit that lasted only 1-2 days and was only a little cheaper or you could get a 5 or more day super one for over $100 – on something that you *can* put on a visible place, but is advertised as an item for your more intimate areas. Fox investigates for us:

“So, after preparing my, ahem, canvas, I asked my significant other to give me a hand. Peel, position, press, and release. Viola, I was all jazzled! I have to admit, the whole idea seemed kind of kooky. But, you know what? It looks really great. Rather sexy, if I do say so myself. It certainly wasn’t how I expected to spend my Monday afternoon. But, hey, I’m all for an adventure. And my lover dug it too. The whole experiment led to a little fooling around, in fact, during which no crystals were harmed.[…]
“Most of the day, I completely forget I’m vajazzled. But when I do remember, it makes me smile. Having those clandestine crystals makes me kind of feel like a rock star. Only I get to decide who can see it, and I feel – don’t laugh – a little bit like my naughty bits have super powers.”

(via Fox on Sex)

So it’s a confidence… down there issue? You get a glittery cooch and suddenly you feel secretly sexy? Do not get me wrong: I understand body art. Tattoos, piercings, etc. I’ve thought about doing something myself, but haven’t gone through because I need the money. If I were to do so, I’d *save* the money. These women could easily save what they are spending on Vajazzling to buy one tattoo if this is about getting sexy body art and “feeling like a rock star”. But maybe that’s too much. That’s too naughty. If this is about being naughty for a day, then why seem to advertise for skanky women?
I don’t feel like embedding this advertisement for “Tajazzled” which is a bizarre spin-off.
But certainly picked up on how damaging this trend is to our societies young men. (You don’t have to watch the vid, but read the ChristWire bit. I’m trying to figure out if that’s a parody. Please… someone tell me that’s a parody.)

Okay. I think this is all I can say: I don’t understand this culture of women because I know this is some bizarre attempt at creating an atmosphere of false self-esteem. It’s not what gets guys off. Fox Lady: Your lover didn’t “dig” it. He liked the fact that you were taking off your pants to show him your baby mound. I think of this video when I think of Vajazzled (which is awesome because this came out 2 years before that fad came out):

Wednesday’s Cringer: Gold diggers have bad grammar

In my research into rings yesterday… okay, specifically “bizarre or unique engagement rings” on Google images, I found an interesting article through The Frisky about a reaction to a “Dear Prudence” (via Slate) letter. The author quotes the response, but her own reaction is minimal and doesn’t go into analysis. Here’s the culprit:

“The real reason, and I mean the REAL reason why we all want largest available ROCK is to because we want it as a weapon. A social weapon. We want to able to scratch with ethernal jelousy [sic throughout] and envy the heart of our current future female friends and enemies, so, even when we will turn into a fat, ordinary, ugly and old woman in the next 60 years, we could always, always make an subtle movement with the hand, reach something, wave good bye, just anything, so the light catches an edge, deflects on one or two faces of the stone, just make a sparkle or bling, just for a instant. But that instant, brief as a blink, is enough for us to remember our capacity to be at the same level of most females of our class. May be even dismiss all smaller stone ringers. That subtle moment will last a tenth of a second. But in our hearts the power will remain constant as well as our sweet thoughts of you giving, for giving us that power or illusion of power.”

This brings to mind an image I saw months ago that seems to be from some sort of school newspaper. Part of me hopes it’s fake, part of me doesn’t.

So what have we learned? I am not clear on the age of the first person, but from the context we can assume she views herself as young and could grow fat and unattractive. Best to have something she can cling onto that makes her better than others. By that age, though, I doubt the “others” of her social “class” will have that respect if she doesn’t learn how to write proper grammar or complete a cohesive thought. Deflects? Deflector shields up! I can only assume “ethernal jelousy” is eternal jealousy, but if other girls of her “class” have rocks just as big or bigger since this is apparently a competition… or it’s a reminder that you are equal… or you like having an “illusion of power”, but you know it’s an illusion… I just… what?

The second girl obviously wants to obtain a life of leisure. She may already be from a rich family that indoctrinated her to believe she doesn’t need to work. Or they told her she’s too stupid and should just hope to marry rich since she can’t do any better in life. I’m gathering both from this article. This “little princess” has no hope to do anything besides her nails unless the people who published this in her school newspaper were doing so to finally notify the school officials that she needs to be held back a few years.

Oh, for those future gold diggers out there, the Internet does supply you with instructions on how to obtain your goal of getting that rich sugar daddy of your dreams! You can just check out the acclaimed wikiHow or eHow for further information. You are welcome!!!

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