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What is this day?

I had an animated discussion with my psychiatrist. I see him once a month and every other month it seems he is interested in what I have to say. This was one of those months and I got overly eager to talk to him. Something about living in my sister’s shadow and drinking problems. I don’t remember what I was saying exactly. I always feel that way about my sessions. I talk. I feel better. Then I have no recollection of what just transpired.

The rest of my day: video games and a nap. I also ate beans & rice with some sour cream in it. I think the sour cream may have been bad. My stomach feels weird.

Since I am feeling ill and depressed today, you can share this with me:

Flowers on the Wall

There are a number of songs that help me stay in touch with the world. I like knowing there are others who suffer the same problems I do (Elton John’s Sad Songs sums this up). Many times I’ll listen to a song that hits home… Yet it turns around and stabs me with guilt for not obtaining my dreams. The singers have accomplished their goals, despite their uphill battles. Examples would be fun., Marina and the Diamonds, or any song from The Wiz soundtrack. They may be depressed or socially anxious, but at least they’re working hard.

So I’m depressed and anxious and worried about my dreams. Can I hear a song for those who have stopped fighting or like to hide away? The answer is yes. One of my favorite songs is “Flowers on the Wall” by the Statler Brothers. I was first introduced to it through the Pulp Fiction soundtrack. (I don’t really like Tarantino movies, but he always picks great music.)

Here are the lyrics:

I keep hearin’ you’re concerned about my happiness
But all that thought you’re givin’ me is conscience I guess
If I was walkin’ in your shoes, I wouldn’t worry none
While you ‘n’ your friends are worried about me I’m havin’ lots of fun

Countin’ flowers on the wall
That don’t bother me at all
Playin’ solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin’ cigarettes and watchin’ Captain Kangaroo
Now don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

Last night I dressed in tails, pretended I was on the town
As long as I can dream it’s hard to slow this swinger down
So please don’t give a thought to me, I’m really doin’ fine
You can always find me here, I’m havin’ quite a time

Countin’ flowers on the wall
That don’t bother me at all
Playin’ solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin’ cigarettes and watchin’ Captain Kangaroo
Now don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

It’s good to see you, I must go, I know I look a fright
Anyway my eyes are not accustomed to this light
And my shoes are not accustomed to this hard concrete
So I must go back to my room and make my day complete

Countin’ flowers on the wall
That don’t bother me at all
Playin’ solitaire till dawn with a deck of fifty-one
Smokin’ cigarettes and watchin’ Captain Kangaroo
Now don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

Don’t tell me I’ve nothin’ to do

Abe Said…

“I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I can not tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.”
-Abraham Lincoln

I managed to get dressed today.

There are no reasons to feel this way. But it has been bad for the last few weeks even though I can put on a happy face to friends and family.
I have to go to the counselor. Maybe that’ll help.

Entering A New Decade

I turned the big 3-0 yesterday. I promised myself that I wouldn’t feel depressed about it. Unfortunately I consider my life to be less accomplished than I wanted it to be. I’ve been in a “quarter-life crisis” for a few years and was hoping that by now my destination would be clearer.

When you hit a milestone it feels like New Year’s Day. You look back on your deeds from the past 10 years and try to figure out what made you proud and what keeps you going. I have been so afraid of judgement, but now I have to face judging myself. How much time have I wasted?

It is very easy for me to disappear into another world instead of dealing with this one. Hopefully in the next year (not the next five or the next ten) I can put things into motion so that this decade will be my best. I may need help. I may need a push or two. If it appears that I’ve dug my heels into the sand I need someone to tell me it’s pointless to fight responsibility.

This is a more depressing post than I had hoped it to be. I am going to start posting those fun Disney things again (I swear). To fulfill this promise I am off to write some drafts.

I’m happy that I was actually able to celebrate my birthday with people who aren’t family (but feel like they are). I can be reached through a video camera and found Google Hangout to be a successful outlet. Technology is a wonderful thing. Here’s a picture of how we partied:

(TheRob took this and I hope no one minds me uploading it here.)

As a side note: my posts are now being done in my real name since I’m also posting for the SOS blog. They aren’t huge pieces, but I am now an “accomplished blog writer.” At least until my internship ends.

The Self-Critic

This is a rambling post. I am recovering from another new medication and can’t see straight. I really needed to get this out to avoid being defeated by my own mental obstructions.

I can’t explain my absence. It’s been almost two months. Originally it was just supposed to be a week. After that first week I felt I didn’t have anything good to add yet, so I took another week off. And again it came around to produce something. I figured I’d taken off three weeks before; I could take another one. The Self-Critic became a lurking spectre, slowly eroding my desire to write.

As time passed I saw my blog remain empty, even though my mind was full. What was it? One part was guilt. Why guilt? As each day passed and nothing was posted I started telling myself that I had abandoned the few people who read. The Self-Critic said, “You shouldn’t bother since no one will read it again.” “My blog was meant for me, though, Self-Critic.” “Then you shouldn’t bother posting to the outside world. Find another worthwhile outlet.”

The next part was questioning how I was doing. I like my blog writing. I feel it isn’t “real” writing, but it’s good enough. Self-Critic said, “It isn’t that great and you have nothing important to share.” “But Self-Critic, I have people who like my work and have said so. I need to practice and get outside reinforcement that I’m not terrible at this.” “Your mom doesn’t count.” “Harsh, Self-Critic.”

Excuses upon excuses piled up. “I’m trying to keep my M/W/F schedule and it’s Sunday. I’ll write tomorrow.” “This is a good idea, but until it’s developed I shouldn’t bother.” “I can just put this on tumblr instead of my blog.”

tumblr was a great part of the downfall of my blogging. I don’t have to socialize with people – it’s anonymous. I can see my images being accepted and reblogged. It’s an environment perfect for an anti-social wreck like myself. – Hours have been spent on tumblr that could have been put toward a more creative endeavor. (Or more intellectual one as I am trying to catch up on Physics and Geology.)

Several months ago I said I was just going to write anything that came to mind. It didn’t matter the subject or how crappy it looked: I was going to post. That goal disappeared without my eagerness to post. I wanted this blog. That’s why I started a year ago. I needed this blog. I still have so much undone in my life right now and this is one of the pieces of my life that I could put continual effort into. I’m letting that fall apart and I need to break away from the Self-Critic.

I promise to get at least one post in a week. That’s a promise to myself, not my readers. I may have lost people since 2 months ago, but I’m going to get out of this slump and revamp my attempts as I pass this one year anniversary.

Here’s to a new year and a triumph in my battle with Self-Critic.

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