I had an animated discussion with my psychiatrist. I see him once a month and every other month it seems he is interested in what I have to say. This was one of those months and I got overly eager to talk to him. Something about living in my sister’s shadow and drinking problems. I don’t remember what I was saying exactly. I always feel that way about my sessions. I talk. I feel better. Then I have no recollection of what just transpired.
The rest of my day: video games and a nap. I also ate beans & rice with some sour cream in it. I think the sour cream may have been bad. My stomach feels weird.
Since I am feeling ill and depressed today, you can share this with me:
I turned the big 3-0 yesterday. I promised myself that I wouldn’t feel depressed about it. Unfortunately I consider my life to be less accomplished than I wanted it to be. I’ve been in a “quarter-life crisis” for a few years and was hoping that by now my destination would be clearer.
When you hit a milestone it feels like New Year’s Day. You look back on your deeds from the past 10 years and try to figure out what made you proud and what keeps you going. I have been so afraid of judgement, but now I have to face judging myself. How much time have I wasted?
It is very easy for me to disappear into another world instead of dealing with this one. Hopefully in the next year (not the next five or the next ten) I can put things into motion so that this decade will be my best. I may need help. I may need a push or two. If it appears that I’ve dug my heels into the sand I need someone to tell me it’s pointless to fight responsibility.
This is a more depressing post than I had hoped it to be. I am going to start posting those fun Disney things again (I swear). To fulfill this promise I am off to write some drafts.
I’m happy that I was actually able to celebrate my birthday with people who aren’t family (but feel like they are). I can be reached through a video camera and found Google Hangout to be a successful outlet. Technology is a wonderful thing. Here’s a picture of how we partied:
(TheRob took this and I hope no one minds me uploading it here.)
As a side note: my posts are now being done in my real name since I’m also posting for the SOS blog. They aren’t huge pieces, but I am now an “accomplished blog writer.” At least until my internship ends.
This is a rambling post. I am recovering from another new medication and can’t see straight. I really needed to get this out to avoid being defeated by my own mental obstructions.
I can’t explain my absence. It’s been almost two months. Originally it was just supposed to be a week. After that first week I felt I didn’t have anything good to add yet, so I took another week off. And again it came around to produce something. I figured I’d taken off three weeks before; I could take another one. The Self-Critic became a lurking spectre, slowly eroding my desire to write.
As time passed I saw my blog remain empty, even though my mind was full. What was it? One part was guilt. Why guilt? As each day passed and nothing was posted I started telling myself that I had abandoned the few people who read. The Self-Critic said, “You shouldn’t bother since no one will read it again.” “My blog was meant for me, though, Self-Critic.” “Then you shouldn’t bother posting to the outside world. Find another worthwhile outlet.”
The next part was questioning how I was doing. I like my blog writing. I feel it isn’t “real” writing, but it’s good enough. Self-Critic said, “It isn’t that great and you have nothing important to share.” “But Self-Critic, I have people who like my work and have said so. I need to practice and get outside reinforcement that I’m not terrible at this.” “Your mom doesn’t count.” “Harsh, Self-Critic.”
Excuses upon excuses piled up. “I’m trying to keep my M/W/F schedule and it’s Sunday. I’ll write tomorrow.” “This is a good idea, but until it’s developed I shouldn’t bother.” “I can just put this on tumblr instead of my blog.”
tumblr was a great part of the downfall of my blogging. I don’t have to socialize with people – it’s anonymous. I can see my images being accepted and reblogged. It’s an environment perfect for an anti-social wreck like myself. – Hours have been spent on tumblr that could have been put toward a more creative endeavor. (Or more intellectual one as I am trying to catch up on Physics and Geology.)
Several months ago I said I was just going to write anything that came to mind. It didn’t matter the subject or how crappy it looked: I was going to post. That goal disappeared without my eagerness to post. I wanted this blog. That’s why I started a year ago. I needed this blog. I still have so much undone in my life right now and this is one of the pieces of my life that I could put continual effort into. I’m letting that fall apart and I need to break away from the Self-Critic.
I promise to get at least one post in a week. That’s a promise to myself, not my readers. I may have lost people since 2 months ago, but I’m going to get out of this slump and revamp my attempts as I pass this one year anniversary.
Here’s to a new year and a triumph in my battle with Self-Critic.