Blog Archives

Parting

“Moments of kindness and reconciliation are worth having, even if the parting has to come sooner or later.”
-Alice Munro

We’ve lost another soul in our circle of friends and family. I will be glad when 2012 is over and done with.

Here’re some pictures of candles because I feel like it:


candles in the night

(And if you want to be *really* depressed, search “death” under tumblr tags. Those who are scared and lonely inhabit tumblr.)

Butterfly Funeral

I had a fantastic idea for a post. I’ve been working on it, but now I’m too tired to put it together. I know you are all terribly disappointed in me. The shame I have brou- I don’t care. I have an excuse. Today my dad and I drove up to Monroe for a funeral.

The drive up was fine. We met with the family (I was more “acquainted” than re-acquainted since it has been so long). The service was in the shade during a sunny, breezy afternoon. Perfect weather. The service was good. And at the end they released balloons and butterflies. We said our goodbyes and headed back on the road.

I’m keeping things rather succinct because it’s not quite my story to tell. I had only known the woman when I was 2 and her daughter babysat me. I have gotten to know her daughter a bit more through Facebook, but still… I was the odd man out. Ever been the odd man out at a funeral? Anyway, the butterflies will be quite memorable.

The return trip was longer than the ride up. Other than the collection of traffic, Dad wanted to stop someplace for dinner a little later on. We were grateful that we were on the other side of the traffic, going back up, as they were backed up for about 15-20 miles. Give or take. We stopped at Friendly’s and filled up before heading back. Crash! While we ate there was a 3-car accident in front of the restaurant. So that was fun.

But I’m home now. And very tired. And crabby because things can get a little tense when I’m left alone with my dad for too long. So now I will get some rest and maybe get myself together next week for better posts.

Go Outside? Nah.

I had some fun videos and pictures from last week’s ordeal, but the tiny camera is giving me guff. I might have broked it. Don’t tell Mom. Now that I’m back to freedom I have immediately returned to my regular regimen of video games. I realized I still haven’t gotten the full 100% on FFX-2! That’s gotta be remedied. So of course I spent 4 &1/2 hours this morning glued to the T.V. waiting to get through the “concert” scene. It get all verklempt!

I need to get away from the video games. They may be part of the reason I’m on a gloomy island of solitude. That and no car. For all those lonely gamers out there, I dedicate this summer post to you:


That gif should be usable in all manner of situations. I can see it popping up as you are ushered out of the building where you are being fired. Mayhaps your ex-wife or ex-husband could use a visual exercise. We’ll work on the medium, but I think this could work.

If only life were as consequence-less as in Hyrule.:

Knowing my luck, though, I’d be the hapless villager on the other end of that.

No God Could Create These Abominations

Thankfully they’re fictional! I realized yesterday that I was getting hair that resembled Peppermint Patty’s. Unsure of this, I Googled images of her (avoid including “Marcie” in your search, FYI, if safe search is off). Within the first few images that cropped up was a likeness of her internal structure. There is an artist who takes cartoons and comics and does “character studies” of them. He has a fairly good grasp on skeletal anatomy (as far as I can note) and his study choices are… uh… effective:



If you think these are totally awesome/bizarre/must-haves you can check his site Michael Paulus or just the character study series or browse his Etsy store.

So this week it looks like I’m doing an art week. My search lead me on a strange, dark path and I have some ideas that will hopefully get me in a more creative mood than the quick pics that I did last week.

Use It Right – Medieval Torture Devices

It’s hard to write an original piece on this subject matter. There are already plenty of Top Ten lists or quick and dirty descriptors as well as hundreds of books. I’m also sure that for some of my more morbid friends this article won’t present too much new information, but I would like to have it up on my blog for posterity. From Middle School through early High School I loved learning about the Dark & Middle Ages. Specifically torture, the plague, and the Inquisition. Bring out your dead!

I had a recent fever for the flavor of torture because I kept stumbling across sites mentioning devices that I would either be unfamiliar with the name or the specific use (apply directly to…?). I wanted to be better educated. My favorite spot to catch up on learnin’ about Medieval life & times (and the best resource for my post today) is medievality.com. This site has the most comprehensive collection of devices. Now, while everyone is familiar with the Iron Maiden (excellent!), the Chair of Torture, the Rack, and probably several others (depending on what popular fiction you are into), you probably are misinformed about specific details on their implementation. This may be due to how it looks or it could be due to how it is used or spoken about in fiction. I am going to take this time to clarify some points that I found interesting.

For instance: Edgar Allen Poe in “The Pit and The Pendulum” gives the impression that the pendulum is just that: a swinging, semi-circular device like that in a clock, except slowly lowering (even Wikipedia thinks this). Per medievality.com on this subject, we see it as an object used to slowly elevate the arms of the victim. I wondered if this was something they came up with for lack of better evidence. Another specialty website, Occasional Hell, concurred that the original concept is wrong.

Occasional Hell does have a great selection of information (and a coloring book you can buy! – gift idea for me, guys), but we disagree on what “gibbeting” is. The hanging cage or coffin torture or “the keep torture” (no one can agree on the damn name) could be used as lethal or non-lethal and was very cruel torture in which a body was placed in a restricting device and placed outside to die or waste away by exposure and animals. But my understanding of “gibbet” by reading about the pirate Captain “Calico” Jack Rackham* and the reference in my favorite author Mary Roach’s book “Stiff” (Norton, 2003) is that you are already dead when you recieve that sentence. The act of having your body mutilated is sentencing your soul. Displaying it for the townsfolk is a warning:
“To gibbet is to dip a corpse in tar and suspend it in a flat iron cage (the gibbet) in plain view of townsfolk while it rots and gets pecked apart by crows. A stroll through the square must have been a whole different plate of tamales back then.” (Roach, p.41)

Then there is the “Chair of Torture”. Yes, commonly it was used for the pressure applied slowly to drain you… er, the victim, of blood through the spikes.** What is not commonly mentioned is the fire. That thing is metal. Many of these chairs were built with a way of putting coals underneath so it would heat up. Heat & pressure. Delightful. In fact, a lot of torture devices could be modified for heat if someone really wanted to set something on fire – the head crusher, the breast ripper (don’t think about it don’t think about it), the boot. All fun times.

So what are my new favorite torture devices I learned about this week? Well, I found out about the Pear of Anguish:


It has a pleasant shape, it kind of reminds me of a key, and the meaning and method of torture is quite imaginative. There were different sizes and shapes to stick in different orifices (depending on gender & crime). You would be punished with this if you were a blasphemer, supposedly homosexual, adulterous, or a consort with demons. If you didn’t die from it, you could die later from infection or you would be disfigured for life.

And then there’s the Crocodile Shears (I will be hated for this, I don’t care):

A very special… special device. Not used often, but a good deterrent for would-be plotters against the throne. Yeah, sure you could use it for fingers, but it’s just the right size for the part of anatomy that will teach your traitors a lesson. And most likely kill them.

And the less lethal, just plain silly “Mask of Infamy”:

Coming in a variety of shapes and flavors, this told your friends and neighbors that you have been very stupid. Similar to branks (or the shrew’s collar) which was meant to shut a woman up and embarrass her, the Mask of Infamy took it to a whole new level. You not only couldn’t talk, but an image of utter absurdity was associated with you from then on. If you… survived the ordeal.

If you find yourself in Europe, you can seek out museums with torture devices on display, such as The Torture Museum (San Gimignano, Italy) (by the way, I recommend just going to the corkscrew-balloon website if you are into the bizarre and morbid). There are a few spots in America, but most are with replicas. If you go to Medieval Times, they have a little one set up that you can drunkenly stumble through if it’s part of your special pass. I got to go last Valentine’s Day. It was very romantic.

*The awesomest of awesome pirates. If you don’t agree with this, I will fight you. No lie.
**And Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow would make you think it or the iron maiden will have you explode in blood. Still worth the watch. The comedic amount of blood is probably what allows the brain override the nausea factor.

Again, I appreciate anyone who has made it this far through another one of my crazy, delusionally long posts. I know the post is late today. I should have done the research & writing yesterday (had the research, but was lazy). Hopefully my ADD will keep me to shorter posts later this week. And no, I didn’t want to talk about the Judas Cradle.

[Edit from December 2012: This has been far and away the most searched for and read post on my blog. If you sickos get this far please like, comment, or share.]

%d bloggers like this: