Category Archives: totally insane

Merry Bizzaro Christmas

And a creepy New Year. My buddy Laura shared with me 9 Disturbing Christmas Ads You Won’t Believe Are Real. Cracked does a good job making it’s own commentary, but I have to say these are my favorite.

This reminds me of Rifftrax’s A Christmas Dream (a girl has a dream about a doll she’s abandoned and he goes on a destructive rampage to convince her to keep playing with him). At the beginning they go into her room and the tree is COVERED in lit candles and sparklers. They note: “This family has spent the last 7 Christmases behind police tape watching their house burn to the ground.”


Cracked says she looks high. I say she looks terrified like he’s holding a spoon to her throat. This advertisement would make *a lot* more sense if those were knives. Also, spoons only belong on trees if they are god-awful creations from Etsy that you put on there as an “ironic” ornament.

BTW, gift idea for any MST3K lover: a Rifftrax gift card. No, I’m not a paid sponsor, unless you count the five dollar discount I earned from ordering so many damn shorts. I used that to get their newest Christmas special, Santa’s Village of Madness. Oh dear lord.

Serious note: I started writing something meaningful, but this Christmas comes after a year of so much heartache. My main Christmas wish is that next year will balance out this one in the positive. No more tragedies or storms or unnecessary loss. I’m not wishing for “peace on earth, good will to men”. Gods know that’s not going to happen. (By the way, yes I celebrate the time of peace and gratitude known as “Christmas” even though I am Pagan.) It would just be nice for humans to take some baby steps towards a better future. Acknowledge global warming? Free health care so more people can get lithium? Something? Okay. I’m done because I apparently can’t physically type on my tiny board tonight. To all my loved ones north & south (and the two or three out west): Have a safe & happy holiday season.

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Here I Am

So I’m almost done with one full week. I’m reflecting today on how this month is going to go. Join in my reflections. Here are some things to ponder:

In the future will humans have hair? It may no longer be a genetic necessity due to global warming.

If guns are inaccessible during the apocalypse would you prefer a machete, a bow (or crossbow), a club with nails in it, or a tire iron?

How many hamsters can fit in a D-cup bra?

Will flameless candles be our source of currency some day?

Why do old keys look so awesome?

I expect a 3 page essay on at least one of these topics by Monday morning.

MST3K OTPs

For anyone who doesn’t know what an “OTP” is, the urban dictionary definition is:
“One True Pairing. Meaning your favorite combination of characters in a fandom.”

Loosely defined it means two people you could romantically stick together despite gender or fandom origin. (This is also referred to as “shipping”.) The reason I’m writing these definitions is because I will most likely be using it more than once in my post-a-day month. Deal with it.

As my favorite (uncontested) show of all time is MST3K I want to confirm that Frank and Forrester were my original OTPs (well, maybe after Bulk & Skull, but I’ll get to that later in the month). When the show changed and we had a new cast of Mads, I tried to put Pearl & Observer together. It wasn’t quite the same. Frank and Dr. F. had a special bond that can only come from two single guys living together with an obvious dom/sub relationship.

Pearl & Observer have weird a love/hate relationship. Dr. Bobo will not be included in this assessment because I’m not a furry. Observer meanwhile “is completely and utterly… without a body.” Observer/Brain Guy was supposed to be sexually ambiguous, but there were moments when he was not… like the time he dressed like a stripper or when he grew hockey hair and rejoiced that he felt like Guy Lafleur. Still, I had moments where I thought there was a twist of tension:

And then maybe not:

You can judge Dr. F. & T.V.’s Frank with one of the nerdiest host segments I’ve ever seen:

Special thanks to tumblr – check out Texts From the SOL.
Deviant Art for your nightmare inducing nightmares, proving once again you can bronify anything.
DON3K’s PTQ for hilariously still existing after 12 years.
And the psycho who posted this on tumblr:

30 Day Disney Challenge: Day Twelve

Day Twelve: Your favorite villain song

“Poor Unfortunate Souls” as sung by the talented Pat Carroll. She has a rich voice and the character was convincingly evil. Years later I also see it as a statement on body issues. You have this large woman, who seems to prefer being large, urging impressionable youth that image was all that mattered in relationships. The message was beauty before personality (not like Ariel had much of one to begin with).


(This was embeddable, but the better version was not.)

In true villain fashion she wasn’t looking to keep a fair trade or make someone happy: she knew it was a path to ultimate power. She used appearance to be the deceiver and dropped the attractive countenance once she got what she wanted. It’s on the inside that counts:

There’s also a bit of a gender fight going on:

And in keeping with the female/evil depictions, I feel I need to add this:

(“Evil Flush” by Ponsho)

This question was tough since are some great songs to choose from. Several years ago I made a CD called “Evil in the Ear of the Beholder” and distributed it amongst my friends. (This may or may not have been illegal.) It included many Disney songs, but a handful of songs from so-called kids’ movies (like Anastasia and Fern Gully). If anyone is interested in the playlist let me know.

I am a Goddamn Moron

I don’t know how this affected my subscribers, but my profuse apologies if all of a sudden you were told 1,125 additional posts magically appeared on my blog. I love my tumblr blog and was hoping to integrate it into this one. Ideally I wanted to put the updates in the sidebar like a widget, but that wasn’t available. Under tools ->import you can add your LJ, tumblr, etc. content. As I set up the transfer I was terrified that the import started moving ~everything~ over. As posts. And there was no stopping it.

There isn’t anything particularly gross or inappropriate on my tumblr. I think it is the most awesome thing and if you want to see all those posts go here: My Safe Word is Fire. I have a fear that since I’m still linked through WP (something I can’t undo?) that whenever I update, not only the new post, but the past posts will start to recollect. Worse comes to worst, I’ll have to export and start a new blog. Sad face. 😦

I revamped the blog a bit because I know when I stagnate I need to reconstruct. The format is basically the same, but I changed the style. Look for upcoming posts that will hopefully look like my old work. I’ve been saving a lot of crap in my bookmarks bar that I’ve wanted to post. Also, my main New Year’s resolution was to read at least 4 books a month. That should be an easy feat, despite being a slow reader. I had read only a handful of books last year and feel my brain is going zombie. With this resolution, I’m going to put a few book reviews up here and there.

For those who are bearing with me/ still subbed/ forgiving, I love you guys.

Big Red Suit

What makes me so approachable? I had an experience at CVS today that is making me reconsider putting pants on before I leave the house.

I needed to drop off and then pick up a few prescriptions. I did not want to leave and then come back so I waited the hour they told me it would be. I did a little shopping and looked at cards. When I finished I still had half an hour so I sat in their waiting area.

There was an old woman who had her stuff on the last remaining chair so I requested she move them. She must have been delighted that another human being spoke to her. As soon as I sat down she began talking and despite a handful of awkward silences, about 20 minutes passed in conversation with her. Here is the general gist of the talk (mostly done by her):

  • Her red coat bought at Burlington Coat Factory.
  • Her head cold that she was getting meds for.
  • Her four cats: names & types.
  • The fact that one of her old cats had been maliciously & repeatedly run over by an “El Salvador” person.
  • Her neighborhood doesn’t speak much English: they all speak Spanish or are black. She’s the only one of the “others” that stayed.
  • Her family in Houston.
  • The fact that she doesn’t fly. Why? The terrorists.
  • Fear of people with turbans on their heads.
  • Fear of leaving the house because her husband was killed by getting hit by a car.
  • Me having a child. When I told her I didn’t want one she continued to let me know I would be so happy with one. I could sing to it or read Bible verses to it daily.
  • Merry Christmas. Don’t fly on Jewish Holidays.

It serves me right for going outside. I was wearing striped capri pants; brown argyle socks; large, rubber boots with fur lining; my black pea coat; and a hat that looks like an owl face (thanks to my sister). I thought my insane look would drive people from talking to me, but I was wrong. Well, I hope I made the crazy, lonely, cat lady happy in some way. I also hope someone tells her that when she wears an outfit that is bright red and sparkly she looks like a giant Christmas ornament.

Interpretive Dances

Have you ever watched a movie and gone, “Yeah, that would be great as a Cabaret act!” Then you’ve probably been watching movies on LSD. I’ve learned this from picking up new “interpretations” of some of my favorite films around the Internet.

First a little French Disco number:

(If you follow Everything Is Terrible you would’ve caught this a few days ago.)

And an old favorite that I frightened my friends with when I was busy obsessing over Watchmen (this is a bit NSFW):

No post Monday because I was in a complete and utter psychotic meltdown. I finally realized that I needed to come off my new epilepsy meds. I’ve only been taking them for less than a month, but they’ve been making me trip out more than the makers of the videos up above. I’m getting a few days to let my brain rest before trying out whatever fresh hell the doctor has prescribed for me now.

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