Category Archives: personal issues

Tens of Things

My renewed interest in this blog comes from an idea I had in that pre-sleep haze one gets. I get anxious when writing a new post because my mind is a constant, critical editor. A post that should only take five minutes may take twenty. Or more. I wanted to find a common theme that would keep me focused on topics and I came up with the idea of lists. My mother raised me on list-making. She was raised by her mother on list-making. There is a vague strand of OCD passed down through the generations and when I feel disconnected or unmotivated I find that list-making can ground me.

This blog will be lists. I will aim for ten objects to each list. The topics can be anything. You can even suggest topics if you like, but currently I have a list of things I would like to list.

This is starting to go down a weird rabbit hole so I’ll just leave this here.

Advertisements

Head Trauma

About once a year or so I get an EEG. This isn’t because it is necessarily required, but my neurologists (plural now) can’t figure out what’s wrong with my brain. It’s as if they need to keep checking that my brain is screwed up. My friends have a few guesses as to why, but the doctors can’t scientifically prove any of those.

I have so many studies on record: EEGs, ambulatory day EEGs, video monitored hospital stays, MRI, MRA, MRV, and coordination tests. (They want me to walk in a straight line despite my huge thighs not making that possible.) So what’s another test? I actually get pretty excited about the EEG itself. My main anxieties arise from dealing with insurance and setting appointments. This time I had to deal with a few misunderstandings, a rescheduling, and a 30 minute stay in the waiting room because of a snafu.

The waiting room was an interesting experience. I was the only one there until these two Old White Guys (OWGs) arrived with a newspaper. One said, snidely, something about ‘that Hussein in the White House.’ Then they pointed at parts of the newspaper that made them feel OWG rage, cursing up a storm. There were several statements about the incompetence of congress, with a stop off at “why do they have 5,000 laws they can’t get through. Just make 5 or 6 and vote on them.” (This writer interprets that to mean that he wanted everything shrunk down to a one-size-fits-all type of lawmaking. You know. Like back in his day.)

There was a brief break when OWG 1 noted Shakira had a new baby and how cute it was. I think OWG 2 was thrown off by the knowledge of someone named “Shakira” being in the news. (FYI, this image is all that’s available of that baby as of right now.) They left the room after this bizarre interruption and I pondered what they were really mad at. Maybe the Hussein comment wasn’t coming from the Fox News Cult. Maybe they were moderates joking around and yelling at representatives from both sides.

OWG 1 returned. The news was on. The discussion: Hillary Clinton’s career. No discussion of current events. Only a brief mention of her problems with the terrorism misinformation. It was just her. OWG 1 stared. Lingered. Finally said, “damn bitch” and walked off.

Uh. So this was supposed to be a post about my new head wrap: Instead of normal ambulatories where they glue the electrodes on, this hospital used a type of paste. I thought that was great because the glue makes it look like you have horrid dandruff for two weeks. But how do you keep these pasted things on? A friggin’ gauze headwrap.

versus two years ago:

what the glue does to your hair (from two years ago):

(Pretty rockin’. I should try that with my pomade.)

Two days. Two days. Twwooo daaayyysss…..

Happy New Year

Try to make it happy. Do your best. If this requires copious amounts of booze, that’s okay. I’m spending NYE with my mom, eggnog with rum, and chocolate from Russia.

We had a full day. It was full of things that required a minimal amount of movement, but made it seem like time well spent. We left at 11 so I could get a teeth cleaning. The doctor numbed my mouth because she knew it was going to be brutal. I can’t count the number of times she said “floss”. I’m sorry my bleeding gums anger you.

We headed over to the mall and I got my hair did. My bangs needed a major trim and I think the dresser managed to get them straight this time. At least my mom hasn’t threatened yet to grab scissors and “fix it”. We then saw Wreck It Ralph. It was one of the best cartoon films I’ve seen recently. There was a quick trip to Michaels. I was reminded why neither of us are let in there. Several chachkes and 2 My Little Pony activity books later we left and hit the liquor store.

So now we sit in silence until we can come up with something meaningful to do in our last hours of 2012. I’m putting up my last post of this month (and this year). I probably won’t keep up the daily routine anymore, but I’m proud that I managed to go every day (minus one) of December and realize I have the willpower to accomplish a goal. I’m going to use that momentum this upcoming year. I will do my best. If it doesn’t seem like I am, you have permission to post angry comments on my Facebook page.

Have fun to anyone venturing out to New Years’ Eve parties. I think I’m in for the night. I’m thankful that I managed to get through the day without tripping on black ice.

You Can’t Erase Yourself

Embrace the life that the Internet has chosen for you. All the pictures create your image. Your home is made of everything you’ve created a profile for. The anonymous commenters you’ve argued with are your noisy neighbors and your regular YouTube vloggers are the people you have coffee and a chat with.

It has been over 12 years that I have been active on the Internet. Sometimes I stop and try to think hard of all the places where I participated in discussions or signed up to be a part of a community. I’m recently battling with online sites to find IRL friends. I have made decisions to put time and effort into attractive profiles, but flee in terror when something comes along that could lead to a *physical* meeting. My life and ideas exist more fully online. I can talk to someone in person, but I remember that I have a blog where they can see how good my writing is or tumblr where they can see what I find funny or beautiful or they could find my old LJ and see what a complaining bitch I can be, but also how I see the world and my dreams. The real life me can’t be summarized in a profile, but I wish it could.

That went a little off the mark of what I originally wanted to say. I wanted to explore those weird niches that I fit into online. For a long time, when I first entered this digital world, I didn’t care who knew what about me. Those words I’ve said fill the background radiation of my Internet universe. I really liked posting to a site called Divine Whispers to defend my liberal religious paganism and to grow as someone of faith. I joined this site before deciding to become a religion major. I think I should have foreseen that decision. Anyway, I haven’t posted in forever, but my words are still there for anyone who wants to see all the biggest arguments from early 2000s. (I also tried to post on pro-Pagan boards like Witches’ Voice, but found it much more fun to face challenges from people who were serious about stupid opinions.)

I was reminded of this topic because I haven’t posted to my LiveJournal recently, but occasionally the little LJ bots will spam a post so I’ll see, “I am doing research for my university thesis, thanks for your great points, now I am acting on a sudden impulse.” Yeah. Yeah, that’s great. Today I got one such e-mail and it was on a huge post about dreams. This was from 3 years ago. I remember the details. I mourn now not keeping that journal up, but from 2004 to 2010 I made enough posts to make it worth having.

frank

I did *not* make enough comments on Dead Nigel’s DeadJournal to warrant its existence. Apparently I wanted to make an advice column based on Dead Nigel. I think most of the questioners were ex-boyfriends and my roommate. I’m kind of glad I let that one go.

For years my high school friends and I maintained a website on a character we called “The Evil Elf”. I know we actively took it down, but part of me always hopes I can find some scraps of it that exist. The e-mail address I had is no longer in use and Anglefire didn’t have any other personal info. So I guess that part of my Internet self is gone, but my real self remembers… and cringes.

During college I had an Emory Learnlink… message board thing. Learnlink was our inter-college mail system. My message board was called “Of Gods and Men”. My friends thought it was cool. At least they told me it was. I will accept this delusion. It had sub-boards for different topics. I guess it was like Reddit, only we knew the identities of the flamers. That didn’t make the trolls any less bold. Unfortunately we all graduated and got kicked off the LL so alas “Of Gods and Men” is no longer active.

I’ve read webcomics that have evolved into monsters or disappeared forever. I’ve blogged on all manners of topics, including a specialty blog on my mom that has since been deleted since she discovered the Internet. If she read that sentence, I’ll have explaining to do. I’ve found hundreds of recipes and art projects that will never get done because the pictures make me feel inadequate as a human being. I’ve used the Internet to feed all sorts of weird fandoms (think Xena RPGs) and have been called a stalker by people who are one to talk. And I have pushed and pushed to have my meager additions to the world acknowledged. “Likes” “Reblogs” “Follows” and any comments (good or bad) can become an obsession for things I put a personal touch on. (I keep away from my Twitter account for the sake of my ego.)

I’m not sure why I went on a nostalgic trip like this. I could probably find more stuff in my Internet closet that hasn’t seen the light of day in years, but I’ll save that. If not for another post, I’ll have to write it down somewhere because those are the pieces that ultimately tie me to the ether that is The Cloud.

This may be the longest personal blog post I’ve ever written. Don’t expect any more of these out of me. I just want people to know that death cannot undo the scars I have left on your precious set of tubes we call “The Internet”.

Oh, and Big Brother is watching.

Sorry About That

I want to apologize for not posting yesterday. Mostly I’m apologizing to myself. I actually forgot yesterday and feel guilty. At one point I was online and thought about putting something together, but my brain went “Procrastination Mode: On”. After I went off the computer, I didn’t return and finally remembered the post after I was already in bed. ~blah blah blah no one cares and i have to shovel today~

If I am going to apologize to my audience, I have so many more things to say. Sorry if you think anything on my blog has been offensive, especially the post on Caligula. Sorry if you spotted any typos or errors, don’t worry I’ve noticed them too and will spend hours agonizing over edits. Sorry if I’ve ever hit too close to home. I’m sorry that most of my posts are not engaging and 3/4ths of my blog visits are to the Medieval Torture post and the one about poisonous mushrooms. I’m sorry I kept doing “ring” posts when I started. I liked shiny things and thought my audience would too. I’m sorry for occasionally going full LiveJournal-mode and complaining about petty things like my job situation and insurance. My mom says I apologize too much, so I’m sorry about that.

There. Now I can start the next year with all of that out. No more apologies. I’ll have to start posting things like I’m not humble or some shit.

Anyway, I am sorry thankful that people felt the need to give me well wishes after the last post. The death of a family friend is hard, but it is even harder to stack it on top of 3 or 4 other deaths of family and friends within the same year. Or if you are my sister, the 11 or 12 other deaths. Plus the tragic shit that’s gone on in 2012. I’m glad that people are here for me, but I am here for you too if there are things from this year that are hard to cope with.

Cards to cheer you up:

As some of you may know, the above cards come from someecards.
I considered Blue Barnhouse and This Is Going To Be Awkward as other card options. These links are for your perusal this holiday season. (We’re still in the holidays, damnit! Find yourself a Valentine!”)

Big Brother Wizard of Oz

I’m cat-sitting this weekend. Since I’m at my sister’s I’ve been absorbed by her television. I’ve been trying to do other things that need doing this weekend, but my brain shut off. I watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is a lovely Christmas movie. I also caught the end of The Wizard of Oz and now those songs of my childhood will be playing over and over. Damn. At least it isn’t that “Call Me Maybe” song.

I thought with all my laziness today I could give posting a pass and make up for it tomorrow. Then I thought of other times I gave myself a concession to avoid something I need to do. It snowballs until I’ve allowed excuses to quit altogether.

I haven’t plotted anything out for the rest of this month, other than the owls and one or two more Christmas things. I’m sure there are other things in my brain that i haven’t put into writing yet. I haven’t been on tumblr recently so no inspiration there. My main “saves for blog” folders are on my computer at Dad’s (and I’m out of there for the rest of December).

I keep trying to write down this dream I had last night, but it keeps rearranging itself. Suffice to say it was about a young girl of noble birth who’s fighting against a militant-socialist regime. She loses her family in an airship explosion. She ends up going undercover in the regime as an enforcer. It gets a little weirdly Orwellian 1984 here. She works for what could be called the Outer Party and secretly is trying to find the leaders of the Inner Party and start a resistance. She was like an underling to O’Brien (she beats people who are thought to be traitors to the Party). Through this she found her old bodyguard wasn’t killed in the airship crash and has been held for two years for torture and questioning. Mostly torture.

It’s Auron. Of course my brain stuck Auron in there. He’s happy to see she’s alive, but since she is a fighter she doesn’t need his protection. She wants him to fight for the resistance, which he’s willing to do. That group consists of her second in command who looked like Commanderette Zircon from Spaceballs, a nerdy computer hacker, a doctor named Rajeesh (oh god, really?), myself as an engineer (who kind of dressed like Cid from FF7), and several others who were the most paranoid group of people you could meet.

We were all worried about Big Brother and I found out that one woman who had surgery done to her had a metal tracker in her head. I swiped a magnet over it. It shorted out, but the woman had to have surgery again because of the pain it was causing. That made everyone more paranoid since they don’t know who else could have a tracker. I ended up running around rubbing people with a magnet. I’m positive this comes from my paranoia of having VNS (as mentioned before) since if I look like I’m having a seizure someone can swipe a magnet over my head. That idea still freaks me out. Did I take my meds? Yeah. Continuing.

So we get involved in some sort of attack/escape/shopping plan. It keeps overlapping with other dreams here. At one point there’s an explosion and we lose our doctor. But that’s okay because his assistant, Dr. Palmer from NCIS is there. No one trusts him, though. There are some explosions and I get cut off from everyone except for Auron. We have to run through the jungle. My brain decided to take a short cut from this to another dream where I’m in a super mall waiting for my family in a massive line. But I have tickets to get into the mall? What?

I’m tired. I’m going to go back to sleep and hope nothing like that happens again.

It’s a post

Not feelin’ it today. Tired. Extremely hot. Been staring at a DS screen too long. Desperately missing Atlanta & friends.

rollin

%d bloggers like this: