Category Archives: personal issues
My renewed interest in this blog comes from an idea I had in that pre-sleep haze one gets. I get anxious when writing a new post because my mind is a constant, critical editor. A post that should only take five minutes may take twenty. Or more. I wanted to find a common theme that would keep me focused on topics and I came up with the idea of lists. My mother raised me on list-making. She was raised by her mother on list-making. There is a vague strand of OCD passed down through the generations and when I feel disconnected or unmotivated I find that list-making can ground me.
This blog will be lists. I will aim for ten objects to each list. The topics can be anything. You can even suggest topics if you like, but currently I have a list of things I would like to list.
This is starting to go down a weird rabbit hole so I’ll just leave this here.
About once a year or so I get an EEG. This isn’t because it is necessarily required, but my neurologists (plural now) can’t figure out what’s wrong with my brain. It’s as if they need to keep checking that my brain is screwed up. My friends have a few guesses as to why, but the doctors can’t scientifically prove any of those.
I have so many studies on record: EEGs, ambulatory day EEGs, video monitored hospital stays, MRI, MRA, MRV, and coordination tests. (They want me to walk in a straight line despite my huge thighs not making that possible.) So what’s another test? I actually get pretty excited about the EEG itself. My main anxieties arise from dealing with insurance and setting appointments. This time I had to deal with a few misunderstandings, a rescheduling, and a 30 minute stay in the waiting room because of a snafu.
The waiting room was an interesting experience. I was the only one there until these two Old White Guys (OWGs) arrived with a newspaper. One said, snidely, something about ‘that Hussein in the White House.’ Then they pointed at parts of the newspaper that made them feel OWG rage, cursing up a storm. There were several statements about the incompetence of congress, with a stop off at “why do they have 5,000 laws they can’t get through. Just make 5 or 6 and vote on them.” (This writer interprets that to mean that he wanted everything shrunk down to a one-size-fits-all type of lawmaking. You know. Like back in his day.)
There was a brief break when OWG 1 noted Shakira had a new baby and how cute it was. I think OWG 2 was thrown off by the knowledge of someone named “Shakira” being in the news. (FYI, this image is all that’s available of that baby as of right now.) They left the room after this bizarre interruption and I pondered what they were really mad at. Maybe the Hussein comment wasn’t coming from the Fox News Cult. Maybe they were moderates joking around and yelling at representatives from both sides.
OWG 1 returned. The news was on. The discussion: Hillary Clinton’s career. No discussion of current events. Only a brief mention of her problems with the terrorism misinformation. It was just her. OWG 1 stared. Lingered. Finally said, “damn bitch” and walked off.
Uh. So this was supposed to be a post about my new head wrap: Instead of normal ambulatories where they glue the electrodes on, this hospital used a type of paste. I thought that was great because the glue makes it look like you have horrid dandruff for two weeks. But how do you keep these pasted things on? A friggin’ gauze headwrap.
Two days. Two days. Twwooo daaayyysss…..
Try to make it happy. Do your best. If this requires copious amounts of booze, that’s okay. I’m spending NYE with my mom, eggnog with rum, and chocolate from Russia.
We had a full day. It was full of things that required a minimal amount of movement, but made it seem like time well spent. We left at 11 so I could get a teeth cleaning. The doctor numbed my mouth because she knew it was going to be brutal. I can’t count the number of times she said “floss”. I’m sorry my bleeding gums anger you.
We headed over to the mall and I got my hair did. My bangs needed a major trim and I think the dresser managed to get them straight this time. At least my mom hasn’t threatened yet to grab scissors and “fix it”. We then saw Wreck It Ralph. It was one of the best cartoon films I’ve seen recently. There was a quick trip to Michaels. I was reminded why neither of us are let in there. Several chachkes and 2 My Little Pony activity books later we left and hit the liquor store.
So now we sit in silence until we can come up with something meaningful to do in our last hours of 2012. I’m putting up my last post of this month (and this year). I probably won’t keep up the daily routine anymore, but I’m proud that I managed to go every day (minus one) of December and realize I have the willpower to accomplish a goal. I’m going to use that momentum this upcoming year. I will do my best. If it doesn’t seem like I am, you have permission to post angry comments on my Facebook page.
Have fun to anyone venturing out to New Years’ Eve parties. I think I’m in for the night. I’m thankful that I managed to get through the day without tripping on black ice.
I want to apologize for not posting yesterday. Mostly I’m apologizing to myself. I actually forgot yesterday and feel guilty. At one point I was online and thought about putting something together, but my brain went “Procrastination Mode: On”. After I went off the computer, I didn’t return and finally remembered the post after I was already in bed. ~blah blah blah no one cares and i have to shovel today~
If I am going to apologize to my audience, I have so many more things to say. Sorry if you think anything on my blog has been offensive, especially the post on Caligula. Sorry if you spotted any typos or errors, don’t worry I’ve noticed them too and will spend hours agonizing over edits. Sorry if I’ve ever hit too close to home. I’m sorry that most of my posts are not engaging and 3/4ths of my blog visits are to the Medieval Torture post and the one about poisonous mushrooms. I’m sorry I kept doing “ring” posts when I started. I liked shiny things and thought my audience would too. I’m sorry for occasionally going full LiveJournal-mode and complaining about petty things like my job situation and insurance. My mom says I apologize too much, so I’m sorry about that.
There. Now I can start the next year with all of that out. No more apologies. I’ll have to start posting things like I’m not humble or some shit.
Anyway, I am
sorry thankful that people felt the need to give me well wishes after the last post. The death of a family friend is hard, but it is even harder to stack it on top of 3 or 4 other deaths of family and friends within the same year. Or if you are my sister, the 11 or 12 other deaths. Plus the tragic shit that’s gone on in 2012. I’m glad that people are here for me, but I am here for you too if there are things from this year that are hard to cope with.
As some of you may know, the above cards come from someecards.
I considered Blue Barnhouse and This Is Going To Be Awkward as other card options. These links are for your perusal this holiday season. (We’re still in the holidays, damnit! Find yourself a Valentine!”)
I’m cat-sitting this weekend. Since I’m at my sister’s I’ve been absorbed by her television. I’ve been trying to do other things that need doing this weekend, but my brain shut off. I watched Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, which is a lovely Christmas movie. I also caught the end of The Wizard of Oz and now those songs of my childhood will be playing over and over. Damn. At least it isn’t that “Call Me Maybe” song.
I thought with all my laziness today I could give posting a pass and make up for it tomorrow. Then I thought of other times I gave myself a concession to avoid something I need to do. It snowballs until I’ve allowed excuses to quit altogether.
I haven’t plotted anything out for the rest of this month, other than the owls and one or two more Christmas things. I’m sure there are other things in my brain that i haven’t put into writing yet. I haven’t been on tumblr recently so no inspiration there. My main “saves for blog” folders are on my computer at Dad’s (and I’m out of there for the rest of December).
I keep trying to write down this dream I had last night, but it keeps rearranging itself. Suffice to say it was about a young girl of noble birth who’s fighting against a militant-socialist regime. She loses her family in an airship explosion. She ends up going undercover in the regime as an enforcer. It gets a little weirdly Orwellian 1984 here. She works for what could be called the Outer Party and secretly is trying to find the leaders of the Inner Party and start a resistance. She was like an underling to O’Brien (she beats people who are thought to be traitors to the Party). Through this she found her old bodyguard wasn’t killed in the airship crash and has been held for two years for torture and questioning. Mostly torture.
It’s Auron. Of course my brain stuck Auron in there. He’s happy to see she’s alive, but since she is a fighter she doesn’t need his protection. She wants him to fight for the resistance, which he’s willing to do. That group consists of her second in command who looked like Commanderette Zircon from Spaceballs, a nerdy computer hacker, a doctor named Rajeesh (oh god, really?), myself as an engineer (who kind of dressed like Cid from FF7), and several others who were the most paranoid group of people you could meet.
We were all worried about Big Brother and I found out that one woman who had surgery done to her had a metal tracker in her head. I swiped a magnet over it. It shorted out, but the woman had to have surgery again because of the pain it was causing. That made everyone more paranoid since they don’t know who else could have a tracker. I ended up running around rubbing people with a magnet. I’m positive this comes from my paranoia of having VNS (as mentioned before) since if I look like I’m having a seizure someone can swipe a magnet over my head. That idea still freaks me out. Did I take my meds? Yeah. Continuing.
So we get involved in some sort of attack/escape/shopping plan. It keeps overlapping with other dreams here. At one point there’s an explosion and we lose our doctor. But that’s okay because his assistant, Dr. Palmer from NCIS is there. No one trusts him, though. There are some explosions and I get cut off from everyone except for Auron. We have to run through the jungle. My brain decided to take a short cut from this to another dream where I’m in a super mall waiting for my family in a massive line. But I have tickets to get into the mall? What?
I’m tired. I’m going to go back to sleep and hope nothing like that happens again.