This is a rambling post. I am recovering from another new medication and can’t see straight. I really needed to get this out to avoid being defeated by my own mental obstructions.
I can’t explain my absence. It’s been almost two months. Originally it was just supposed to be a week. After that first week I felt I didn’t have anything good to add yet, so I took another week off. And again it came around to produce something. I figured I’d taken off three weeks before; I could take another one. The Self-Critic became a lurking spectre, slowly eroding my desire to write.
As time passed I saw my blog remain empty, even though my mind was full. What was it? One part was guilt. Why guilt? As each day passed and nothing was posted I started telling myself that I had abandoned the few people who read. The Self-Critic said, “You shouldn’t bother since no one will read it again.” “My blog was meant for me, though, Self-Critic.” “Then you shouldn’t bother posting to the outside world. Find another worthwhile outlet.”
The next part was questioning how I was doing. I like my blog writing. I feel it isn’t “real” writing, but it’s good enough. Self-Critic said, “It isn’t that great and you have nothing important to share.” “But Self-Critic, I have people who like my work and have said so. I need to practice and get outside reinforcement that I’m not terrible at this.” “Your mom doesn’t count.” “Harsh, Self-Critic.”
Excuses upon excuses piled up. “I’m trying to keep my M/W/F schedule and it’s Sunday. I’ll write tomorrow.” “This is a good idea, but until it’s developed I shouldn’t bother.” “I can just put this on tumblr instead of my blog.”
tumblr was a great part of the downfall of my blogging. I don’t have to socialize with people – it’s anonymous. I can see my images being accepted and reblogged. It’s an environment perfect for an anti-social wreck like myself. – Hours have been spent on tumblr that could have been put toward a more creative endeavor. (Or more intellectual one as I am trying to catch up on Physics and Geology.)
Several months ago I said I was just going to write anything that came to mind. It didn’t matter the subject or how crappy it looked: I was going to post. That goal disappeared without my eagerness to post. I wanted this blog. That’s why I started a year ago. I needed this blog. I still have so much undone in my life right now and this is one of the pieces of my life that I could put continual effort into. I’m letting that fall apart and I need to break away from the Self-Critic.
I promise to get at least one post in a week. That’s a promise to myself, not my readers. I may have lost people since 2 months ago, but I’m going to get out of this slump and revamp my attempts as I pass this one year anniversary.
Here’s to a new year and a triumph in my battle with Self-Critic.