The Self-Critic

This is a rambling post. I am recovering from another new medication and can’t see straight. I really needed to get this out to avoid being defeated by my own mental obstructions.

I can’t explain my absence. It’s been almost two months. Originally it was just supposed to be a week. After that first week I felt I didn’t have anything good to add yet, so I took another week off. And again it came around to produce something. I figured I’d taken off three weeks before; I could take another one. The Self-Critic became a lurking spectre, slowly eroding my desire to write.

As time passed I saw my blog remain empty, even though my mind was full. What was it? One part was guilt. Why guilt? As each day passed and nothing was posted I started telling myself that I had abandoned the few people who read. The Self-Critic said, “You shouldn’t bother since no one will read it again.” “My blog was meant for me, though, Self-Critic.” “Then you shouldn’t bother posting to the outside world. Find another worthwhile outlet.”

The next part was questioning how I was doing. I like my blog writing. I feel it isn’t “real” writing, but it’s good enough. Self-Critic said, “It isn’t that great and you have nothing important to share.” “But Self-Critic, I have people who like my work and have said so. I need to practice and get outside reinforcement that I’m not terrible at this.” “Your mom doesn’t count.” “Harsh, Self-Critic.”

Excuses upon excuses piled up. “I’m trying to keep my M/W/F schedule and it’s Sunday. I’ll write tomorrow.” “This is a good idea, but until it’s developed I shouldn’t bother.” “I can just put this on tumblr instead of my blog.”

tumblr was a great part of the downfall of my blogging. I don’t have to socialize with people – it’s anonymous. I can see my images being accepted and reblogged. It’s an environment perfect for an anti-social wreck like myself. – Hours have been spent on tumblr that could have been put toward a more creative endeavor. (Or more intellectual one as I am trying to catch up on Physics and Geology.)

Several months ago I said I was just going to write anything that came to mind. It didn’t matter the subject or how crappy it looked: I was going to post. That goal disappeared without my eagerness to post. I wanted this blog. That’s why I started a year ago. I needed this blog. I still have so much undone in my life right now and this is one of the pieces of my life that I could put continual effort into. I’m letting that fall apart and I need to break away from the Self-Critic.

I promise to get at least one post in a week. That’s a promise to myself, not my readers. I may have lost people since 2 months ago, but I’m going to get out of this slump and revamp my attempts as I pass this one year anniversary.

Here’s to a new year and a triumph in my battle with Self-Critic.

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About Strix Varia

Seeking the strange creatures of the Internet while staving off the boredom of being unemployed and far from old friends. Follow the blog if you need something with which to pass the time away.

Posted on November 16, 2011, in personal issues and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. The thing is, this is 2011. LiveJournal, the den of ‘talk about yourself and your friends will listen’ has been replaced by Facebook (and maybe Google+). A blog needs to have a specific schtick, a theme that transcends the person posting it, or else it’s just, y’know, a long-winded Facebook post.

    So why do you want to post? Because you want to keep your friends in the loop? Because you’ve got something to say? Just as a record of your own thoughts that you can later look back on?

    If you know why you’re posting, it’ll be easy to post, and easier throughout the week to think of things that are worth posting about.

    Good luck.

    -Ryan

    • Thanks for the input. I try to take those ideas into consideration, which was probably another part of the writing block I went through. However:

      1. The problem with FB & G+ is that if you have a lot of “friends” an update can get lost in the noise. It is also limited to the people you’ve friended. If I have something to say there isn’t a lot of space. G+ allows more room, but who’s on G+ these days?

      2. I understand your LJ to blog posts comparison. I miss having that outlet to share my life and ideas. I don’t see Facebook even coming close to that original concept, especially nowadays. It’s more like a better version of MySpace.

      3. Finally, I did kind of start with a “schtick”. The subtitle says “Excavating the Internet”. My original idea was to find oddities in cyberspace or find old, decrepit sites that are still there. As time passed my posts became more personal because I was working on my writing. They were opinion commentaries. The opinions started extending to real life and I don’t want to separate if they need to be said. I guess you could say “I’m writing because I have something to say”, but that describes every active blog other than ones that border on being tumblrs and I don’t want it to just be tumblr.

      I know this was a long answer, but it’s also helping me sort out my reasons for blogging.

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