Monthly Archives: November 2011

I only have a month!

I found my list of New Years’ Resolutions. Actually I called it “Things to figure out in 2011”. I don’t know if I was “figuring out” my life, the universe, or everything. Let’s see how well I did:

1. Learn different types & varieties of wine.
Well… I have tried different types of wine. I learned the difference between different cab savs. Yet, I am still highly ignorant on the different flavors and all the intricacies of wine making. There is just so much to learn! I located this website and this one. Can someone read all these and just send me a summary?
I also find it amusing that the first thing on my list had to do with alcohol. In any case I still like two-buck chuck. (Warning: that link will depict a crazy person.)

2. Read more – fiction & non.
I had just come from a few years of relatively little literary exploration. At the start of this year I had plans to go through all the major works of literature I could get my hands on. I started walking to the library and got things like “1984” and “Animal Farm”. (These totally didn’t make me paranoid about the government.) There was a lull in the summer and now I’m back to getting a bunch of books out, but they are mostly science & non-fic. I need to get around to more relaxing subjects.

3. Study for & take the GREs.
Mom got me books. I’ve gotten through… some? Not taking the GREs has impeded my drive to return to school. Everytime I get up the energy to do something related to school, I remember the TEST. Maybe I should just take the damn thing without studying. If only it didn’t cost almost $200.
To help my studies I found has a word study helper called Word Dynamo.

4. Learn Spanish.

5. Advertise better for the blog, even if not for financial gain.
I’m just fine with the audience I have. It has built up some, but on its own merit.

6. Stop beating self up over feeling stupid.
I don’t even… What? I don’t really feel stupid, just an unproductive, valueless member of society. Psh.

7. Reduce and possibly quit smoking.
Done. Free of cigarettes for 9 months. But man, we sure had some good times.

Time to figure out what I can do in 31 days. Ha. Just kidding. New Years is an arbitrary holiday made up so we could remember to start losing weight after plugging our face holes with holiday fare.



I am not okay. I enrolled in a website called in order to make new friends. I have been enrolled since… April? Not once have I volunteered to go out to a game session or get coffee or tag along to a museum. I am full of some shattering social phobias. Happy pills are not working.

Today I will finally meet people from one of the groups. It’s just go out for a few beers and food. It isn’t near home so I am relying on my parents to drive me and then wait for me. My main fear, though, is meeting strangers. It isn’t going to be a big group. It is all females. We’re all around the same age and looking for new friends. There is no reason for me to be anxious.

Instead of being excited I am filled with the dread of not knowing what to do. How do “normal” people behave in society? Will we share anything in common or will I have to drink the night away while ignoring the conversation? These are reasons I am seeing a therapist. She was very encouraging and told me to do that thing where you pump yourself up in a mirror.


Off I go to delve into the real world of female bonding and social faux pas. I’ll report on my findings.

A Quiet Earth

This was amazingly relaxing this morning.

Earth | Time Lapse View from Space, Fly Over | NASA, ISS from Michael K├Ânig on Vimeo.

The Self-Critic

This is a rambling post. I am recovering from another new medication and can’t see straight. I really needed to get this out to avoid being defeated by my own mental obstructions.

I can’t explain my absence. It’s been almost two months. Originally it was just supposed to be a week. After that first week I felt I didn’t have anything good to add yet, so I took another week off. And again it came around to produce something. I figured I’d taken off three weeks before; I could take another one. The Self-Critic became a lurking spectre, slowly eroding my desire to write.

As time passed I saw my blog remain empty, even though my mind was full. What was it? One part was guilt. Why guilt? As each day passed and nothing was posted I started telling myself that I had abandoned the few people who read. The Self-Critic said, “You shouldn’t bother since no one will read it again.” “My blog was meant for me, though, Self-Critic.” “Then you shouldn’t bother posting to the outside world. Find another worthwhile outlet.”

The next part was questioning how I was doing. I like my blog writing. I feel it isn’t “real” writing, but it’s good enough. Self-Critic said, “It isn’t that great and you have nothing important to share.” “But Self-Critic, I have people who like my work and have said so. I need to practice and get outside reinforcement that I’m not terrible at this.” “Your mom doesn’t count.” “Harsh, Self-Critic.”

Excuses upon excuses piled up. “I’m trying to keep my M/W/F schedule and it’s Sunday. I’ll write tomorrow.” “This is a good idea, but until it’s developed I shouldn’t bother.” “I can just put this on tumblr instead of my blog.”

tumblr was a great part of the downfall of my blogging. I don’t have to socialize with people – it’s anonymous. I can see my images being accepted and reblogged. It’s an environment perfect for an anti-social wreck like myself. – Hours have been spent on tumblr that could have been put toward a more creative endeavor. (Or more intellectual one as I am trying to catch up on Physics and Geology.)

Several months ago I said I was just going to write anything that came to mind. It didn’t matter the subject or how crappy it looked: I was going to post. That goal disappeared without my eagerness to post. I wanted this blog. That’s why I started a year ago. I needed this blog. I still have so much undone in my life right now and this is one of the pieces of my life that I could put continual effort into. I’m letting that fall apart and I need to break away from the Self-Critic.

I promise to get at least one post in a week. That’s a promise to myself, not my readers. I may have lost people since 2 months ago, but I’m going to get out of this slump and revamp my attempts as I pass this one year anniversary.

Here’s to a new year and a triumph in my battle with Self-Critic.

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