Monthly Archives: February 2011

Change of Vision

Every once in awhile you will see me completely overhaul the design of the blog. I noticed WP had a brand new theme and I liked it because it gave a little bit more space. Of course, now it actually shows off how much space I use in writing. The old style made my longer blog posts more palatable, in my opinion. This will teach me to keep it simple.

It’s one a.m. and I can’t type straight. I’ve spent 2 hours looking at Steampunk backgrounds because I thought this theme was “steampunk-y”. Or, something. Anyway, the background is licensed by Elepski Design. I’m using it under the Creative Commons agreement. There are a lot of awesome Steampunk wallpapers and backgrounds, btw, at Steampunk Wallpaper where I found it.

Let me know if there’s any re-tweaking you think I should do along the way. As I said, this was just on a whim and a late night decision, so I’m not sure if I’ve totally botched something.

The Most Important Knowledge

The Cult of Personality

I was trying way too hard to write another funny/intellectual post. I had all of this information to lay on ya to impress the wandering masses. I know you crave wantonly to fill those empty spaces with all of this useless knowledge, but I realized everything I was collecting was going to end up a 10-page research report.

Essentially I wanted to examine the associations you could make between Friedrich Nietzsche, Rasputin, and Caligula. Yeah. That pretentious. I am far too tired to concentrate on making any sense of that anymore so I’m going to give you the interesting bits.

Everyone knows Rasputin was essential in bringing down the Romanov family by basically giving them a bad rap. Having this sex-craven “holy” man who went against the Orthodox church and whispered dark nothings into the tsarina’s ear didn’t sit well with an already restless people. That’s right, he was not a member of the Orthodox church. He was a member of the Khlisti sect, which encouraged him to quench his manly thirst. Being popular with some ladies (even though looking at him you’d ask… “why?”, but that happens with celebrity), he didn’t even have to try. He was also rumored to engage in other sexual “deviations” such as homosexuality and orgies.^1 The points here are *different religious ideas from a nation; *different sexual proclivities; *supposedly mad, yet in a position of power.
The Home of Rasputin
Alexander Palace – Grigori Efimovich Rasputin

Friedrich Nietzsche is best known for The Madman, pronouncing that God is Dead. Some may conclude he is an atheist from this, but it is most likely a statement against the secularism of Western culture^2. He explored the increasing perspectivism/nihilism of society. Unfortunately, his writings were embraced by an even crazier group of people, the Nazis. Being that he was not anti-Semitic and kind of anti-authoritarian, I do believe he would have been furious about this association. His ending decade was a spiral into madness. Interestingly enough, that’s when he became most prolific. So we see *controversial religious ideas; *madness that came from any number of medical issues (most popular idea is syphilis, but not proven – some people say he was always “unbalanced”); *no mention of sexual preferences, but he had revolutionary ideas of sexual freedom for his time and there are rumors (again, unproven) of homosexuality.
Wikipedia: Nietzsche
Stanford Encyclopedia: Friedrich Nietzsche

Poor Caligula. He’s most remembered for the craziest moments of his life.
Vodpod videos no longer available.


He was a soldier, a generous emperor, and a man of the people. He allowed for democratic elections again. This ahem leads to one of my favorite quotes on his Wikipedia page by Cassius Dio: “though delighting the rabble, grieved the sensible, who stopped to reflect, that if the offices should fall once more into the hands of the many … many disasters would result.” – I might agree with that. (Not an elitist at all.) Wanting a horse for his consul was rumored to be more as an F.U. to the senate.

But then the madness set in. He declared himself God and would go out in public dressed as one of the deities, as well as have statues erected to him. He was rumored to have sexual relations with, er, family? (Unproven as most of his histories are written by people who didn’t like him.) And then there was that time he had soldiers collect sea shells instead of finish invading Britain. Whatever that was about. Eventually the senate decided it was time to put him down. These epileptics, you never know what they’re going to do next. I mean… wait, what? Connecting to our first two contestants: *mad as a hatter; *rumors of sexual scandals, but then he was Roman so I’m inclined to believe anything; *and unfettered disdain for common religious and political views.
BBC History
Caligula: 37CE Onward (last years)

That was it. Something for you to chew on. Take from it what you will. What I take from it is – as the title indicates – despite how the current society felt about them, they made their mark. Like it or not. And after all these years, we still emphasize the bad, the weird, what our culture still considers the wrong. (In Nietzsche’s case, it depends on who you ask. It also depends on if you think he would be pro- or anti-Nazi.) Yet, today we obsess over similar types of celebrity. The reality shows express a similar desire to feed on deviance and madness. In centuries to come, what will humanity be studying from this era? What will they take from it? And who will be our major historical figures if human nature is to remain so obsessed with the Id than the Super-Ego?

If anyone wants to argue this: remember, people disagree over whether we should like Churchill because he was a drunk.

^1. Rasputin’s reported sex affair with Prince Felix Yusupov led to his infamous death. Just a quick round-up: he was poisoned, shot, shot again, beaten, thrown into the icy depths of the river, and this caused him to drown (the bastard was still alive).
Check it out here.
^2. I know I’m blatantly stealing from Wikipedia here. I’m so tired. Here. I’m referencing it. Find it yourself.

Cool Menthol Flavor

I had a more fitting post with the rest of the week, but I fell on the back steps while smoking and have, to much my delight, been laid up most of the day. I believe this may have been a message from the lung gods to quit smoking. But it just feels so right:

Some more for fun:



All found at the wonderful & magnificent Fake Science, of course.

Stick It In!

The human body can go through a lot of physical distress. I speak not merely of external torture, but of the curious, and often extremely confusing, amounts of internal trauma. These instances can be self-inflicted or products of sexual play or abuse. Today’s post is not for the faint of heart (or the faint of butt as Strong Bad says). And probably not for my Mom.

I saw the news report as soon as it came out about the quite unfortunate Chinese man who had a knife blade lodged in his brain for several years. This is an extreme case of what medical science calls a “foreign body”, which is (loosely) described as “any object originating outside the body.” This story brought to mind the recent stories I’ve been hearing of foreign objects discovered – either to their great amusement or their utter chagrin – by surgeons and doctors. There was an anesthesiologist who attempted to share several stories on a medical blog (most including items swallowed & found in the stomach, but there is one story of, you know, a gerbil), only to be bombarded by hundreds of responses to the post by peers. The moderator locked and hid the comments, allowing them only by request. When I saw the post I tried to retrieve the information by posing as a curious journalist, but to no luck, so unfortunately I had to go about my own research.

Definitely not for the squeamish: “Rectal Foreign Bodies” is your #1 resource for the exciting world of documented objects reportedly found in anal cavities. Originally listed in “Surgery Magazine” (1986), I have noticed many of these are the exact same ones listed in Mary Roach’s “Bonk”, so I am to conclude this was the same reference she used (this is why she’s one of my favorite authors). A dead giveaway is the “collections” section which notes cases such as 402 stones; a toolbox hoarded by a prisoner; and spectacles, suitcase key, tobacco pouch, and magazine. There’s also a link to a story about an “artillery shell”. Yeah. If you don’t want to read about it, don’t worry, he did not died. Unlike (spoiler!) Bruce Willis’ father in “Pulp Fiction”. (Tried to embed, but none of the videos would let me. Sorry.)

Now, less common, but more uncomfortable for me to think about, is Vaginal Foreign Bodies. Unlike the rectum, there aren’t a lot of places for objects to go. A lot of times we see bits & pieces of things that have been removed, but the subject couldn’t get the rest out. A lot of what happens with the nether orifices is a prideful inability to retrieve objects. Or if they try and fail… forget going to the doctor. This is especially true for women who have been told you can’t shouldn’t put things in there or if they were victims of sexual abuse, that can be a touchy subject. And I can’t find the story, but Sarah showed me a veeeery embarrassing story about a young girl who had a Barbie head stuck after her first (and probably only for a long while) attempt to masturbate and neither parent could get it out. Yes, neither parent. Then they went to the hospital. Not sure if the story is true, but she won some sort of contest and got a gift certificate for sex toys.

For the sake of everybody’s sanity, I will not talk about the urethra. Heh. Urethra’s a funny word.

If you want some Rated PG stories, I have the Gale Encyclopedia of Children’s Health through Answers.com. Mostly it talks about pediatric and adolescent cases for nose, eye, ear, and mouth/stomach issues. If you have children, you already know you have to be careful about little toys they can swallow: like plastic toy soldiers or McDonald’s… anything. Apparently buckshot and jewelry are also dangerous. This site does list rectal warnings, but since it relates to child healthcare, it says those incidents may come from ingestion or if inserted you may want your child psychiatrically evaluated for autism or personality disorders. Catch those fetishes early!

I hope I’ve thoroughly ruined your day. Or days to come. I probably need to have psychiatric evaluation myself. I finally have insurance, so maybe that will happen next month! I’ll keep you posted. (And for the record, I keep my orifices generally clear.)

Further resources for fun & leisure: Up Yours – X-Rays of the Weirdest Items Found in Butts
101 Things Removed From the Human Body (T.V. Show)
Swallowed Foreign Bodies

I will spare you images of X-Rays & instead here’s a picture to confuse your brain:
wtf photos videos - The Royal Cat
Via Picture Is Unrelated

Use It Right – Medieval Torture Devices

It’s hard to write an original piece on this subject matter. There are already plenty of Top Ten lists or quick and dirty descriptors as well as hundreds of books. I’m also sure that for some of my more morbid friends this article won’t present too much new information, but I would like to have it up on my blog for posterity. From Middle School through early High School I loved learning about the Dark & Middle Ages. Specifically torture, the plague, and the Inquisition. Bring out your dead!

I had a recent fever for the flavor of torture because I kept stumbling across sites mentioning devices that I would either be unfamiliar with the name or the specific use (apply directly to…?). I wanted to be better educated. My favorite spot to catch up on learnin’ about Medieval life & times (and the best resource for my post today) is medievality.com. This site has the most comprehensive collection of devices. Now, while everyone is familiar with the Iron Maiden (excellent!), the Chair of Torture, the Rack, and probably several others (depending on what popular fiction you are into), you probably are misinformed about specific details on their implementation. This may be due to how it looks or it could be due to how it is used or spoken about in fiction. I am going to take this time to clarify some points that I found interesting.

For instance: Edgar Allen Poe in “The Pit and The Pendulum” gives the impression that the pendulum is just that: a swinging, semi-circular device like that in a clock, except slowly lowering (even Wikipedia thinks this). Per medievality.com on this subject, we see it as an object used to slowly elevate the arms of the victim. I wondered if this was something they came up with for lack of better evidence. Another specialty website, Occasional Hell, concurred that the original concept is wrong.

Occasional Hell does have a great selection of information (and a coloring book you can buy! – gift idea for me, guys), but we disagree on what “gibbeting” is. The hanging cage or coffin torture or “the keep torture” (no one can agree on the damn name) could be used as lethal or non-lethal and was very cruel torture in which a body was placed in a restricting device and placed outside to die or waste away by exposure and animals. But my understanding of “gibbet” by reading about the pirate Captain “Calico” Jack Rackham* and the reference in my favorite author Mary Roach’s book “Stiff” (Norton, 2003) is that you are already dead when you recieve that sentence. The act of having your body mutilated is sentencing your soul. Displaying it for the townsfolk is a warning:
“To gibbet is to dip a corpse in tar and suspend it in a flat iron cage (the gibbet) in plain view of townsfolk while it rots and gets pecked apart by crows. A stroll through the square must have been a whole different plate of tamales back then.” (Roach, p.41)

Then there is the “Chair of Torture”. Yes, commonly it was used for the pressure applied slowly to drain you… er, the victim, of blood through the spikes.** What is not commonly mentioned is the fire. That thing is metal. Many of these chairs were built with a way of putting coals underneath so it would heat up. Heat & pressure. Delightful. In fact, a lot of torture devices could be modified for heat if someone really wanted to set something on fire – the head crusher, the breast ripper (don’t think about it don’t think about it), the boot. All fun times.

So what are my new favorite torture devices I learned about this week? Well, I found out about the Pear of Anguish:


It has a pleasant shape, it kind of reminds me of a key, and the meaning and method of torture is quite imaginative. There were different sizes and shapes to stick in different orifices (depending on gender & crime). You would be punished with this if you were a blasphemer, supposedly homosexual, adulterous, or a consort with demons. If you didn’t die from it, you could die later from infection or you would be disfigured for life.

And then there’s the Crocodile Shears (I will be hated for this, I don’t care):

A very special… special device. Not used often, but a good deterrent for would-be plotters against the throne. Yeah, sure you could use it for fingers, but it’s just the right size for the part of anatomy that will teach your traitors a lesson. And most likely kill them.

And the less lethal, just plain silly “Mask of Infamy”:

Coming in a variety of shapes and flavors, this told your friends and neighbors that you have been very stupid. Similar to branks (or the shrew’s collar) which was meant to shut a woman up and embarrass her, the Mask of Infamy took it to a whole new level. You not only couldn’t talk, but an image of utter absurdity was associated with you from then on. If you… survived the ordeal.

If you find yourself in Europe, you can seek out museums with torture devices on display, such as The Torture Museum (San Gimignano, Italy) (by the way, I recommend just going to the corkscrew-balloon website if you are into the bizarre and morbid). There are a few spots in America, but most are with replicas. If you go to Medieval Times, they have a little one set up that you can drunkenly stumble through if it’s part of your special pass. I got to go last Valentine’s Day. It was very romantic.

*The awesomest of awesome pirates. If you don’t agree with this, I will fight you. No lie.
**And Tim Burton’s Sleepy Hollow would make you think it or the iron maiden will have you explode in blood. Still worth the watch. The comedic amount of blood is probably what allows the brain override the nausea factor.

Again, I appreciate anyone who has made it this far through another one of my crazy, delusionally long posts. I know the post is late today. I should have done the research & writing yesterday (had the research, but was lazy). Hopefully my ADD will keep me to shorter posts later this week. And no, I didn’t want to talk about the Judas Cradle.

[Edit from December 2012: This has been far and away the most searched for and read post on my blog. If you sickos get this far please like, comment, or share.]

We Interrupt This Broadcast

Unfortunately, a friend of the family died yesterday. It was sudden and unexpected and our hearts reach out to Mr. Thomson’s family (he was very good about talking care of our dog Samson when my Dad left on long trips). So I feel like the post I had scheduled for today (which was kind of death-based) is inappropriate. Trust me. Inappropriate. Tomorrow I’ll either have that or something more cheerful. Today I give a happy/sad. Sad Keanu on The Big Bang Theory:

~Sad Keanu should not sit in Sheldon’s spot.~
(Via Sad Keanu Mega Collection)

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